Horror Fan Upset His Latest Torture Porn Film Purchase Wasn't 'Torturous or Pornographic Enough'

Tallahassee, Florida - 

Tallahassee native and self-proclaimed "horror fanatic" Adrian Rogers took to social media this afternoon after his latest film purchase, an indie horror film known as Slit My Dick, Suck My Fuck, failed to live up to his expectations.

"I bought this movie because I thought by the title that this was going to be a 'torture porn' film, and I really was expecting there to be plenty of both - lots of torture, tons of porn" said Rogers in a lengthy Facebook post. "There was very little of either in the movie! There was literally only one scene with a topless girl in it. What the fuck?!"

When Horrorable News reached out to the filmmaker behind the film, Darren Mitchell, for comment, he said that his film was extremely violent and had plenty of nudity, but that it was a plot-driven horror film, and was not simply "gore for gore's sake."

"My movie literally has the term 'slit my dick' in the title, and we certainly show that happening," said Mitchell, a first-time filmmaker. "So yeah, it's pretty torturous. As for the pornography - well, we have the aforementioned penis, and there's some topless women. But whatever, is that all people watch movies for? What about the subtle nuances I included, and the nods to Lynch, Hitchcock, and even Argento? Yeah, I'm sure nobody noticed that, did they?"

Rogers' Facebook post was later made into a sales post, and he has put up his BD-R copy of Slit My Dick, Suck My Fuck for $11 with free shipping, Paypal friends and family payment only.

Unearthed Films Announces Plans to Revamp as Children's Film Distributor

Los Angeles, California - 

Unearthed Films, who have for years been known as one of the most extreme labels for underground horror and Japanese gore films, announced earlier today that the company was going to be undergoing a "huge revamp" starting in 2020, with plans to become a distributor of children's films and family movies.

"Frankly, the horror market just isn't what it used to be in my day," said company CEO Stephen Biro. "These kids today, all they're interested in is whether or not the 14th release of Green Inferno is going to come with a damn slipcover. They're not concerning themselves with extreme films, gore, or Japanese fare at all."

In the company's press release, Biro mentioned that while sales had remained strong, and in fact had grown in recent months after the implementation of new arms of the company, such as Unearthed Classics and Too Extreme For Mainstream, that he felt there were new directions he wanted to go.

"It's not about the money. It's certainly never been about the money, it's always been about my love of film, and that's not changing," said Biro. "All that's changing is the kind of films I'm going to be sharing my love of with the world. We've already met with many independent companies that release family films, and we're super excited for our release of A Serbian Film, which was originally going to be several minutes longer than the current version, but instead will be fully cut to be appropriate for everyone. We'll also be adding an animated segment that the kids will love!"

Reaction to the announcement has been mostly negative, with one horror fan summing up the new venture as "total fucking bullshit."

Curiously, when questioned about a company name change, Biro said they would still keep the Unearthed name. "Yeah, we can't come up with anything better, so it's sticking," said Biro. "But we're totally open to suggestions."

Pride Month: Man Sick of Gay Horror Movies to Make Straight Pride Slasher

 

     Terry Baker of Ohio is making national news after revealing yesterday that he was making a hetero-slasher for horror fans that feel repressed by the current wave of LGBT pride.  The news broke just days after several men who felt guilty for masturbating to trap porn on PornHub announced that they would be hosting a straight pride parade in Boston. 

 

     "I'm not afraid of them" said Terry to Horrorable News.  "So it can't be called being homophobic.  I'm just sick of all the gay pride stuff.  I'm straight and proud too but I don't go waiving it around in your face all the time.  Now companies are making movies just for gays.  We Have The Babadook, last year's Halloween, Killer Unicorn, and anything attached to Blumehouse.  It's ridiculous.  Straight men need a horror movie that we can get behind.  That's why I'm going to make a slasher for straight men.  It's going to have boobs, blood, a masked killer, more boobs, and gore.  Men are going to love it.  When its finished I will invite all my straight male friends to my house for a private screening.  My rooms kinda small so we will have to say "no homo" when we sit next to each other but that's cool because the movie will have plenty of boobs."

 

     We spoke with Terry's mother Martha about her son's views on LGBT pride and she said she was "ashamed of my little Terry.  He grew up with a gay uncle and his younger sister is also gay.  She volunteers all over the country for different LGBT organizations.  I think that he feels left out because she gets to visit all these amazing places doing something she is passionate about and the only thing he has to look forward to is new DLC maps for Call of Duty.  Poor guy really has it rough since his fiancée left him last fall after he asked her to cuck him." 

 

Horrorable News will be following this film through the various stages so stay tuned for more on Terry and his slasher BIG BREASTED WOMEN GET CUT IN THE WOODS.   



Mom Wants Son to Hook Up VCR to Watch Old Home Videos; Son Recorded Over Them with Monstervision

 

      A Kentucky mother is waiting for her son to hook up their old VCR so she can watch home videos.  "I would record everything" said 63 year old Debra Anchors.  "I asked him several days ago to hook it up so we can his sister's birthday parties that I filmed when she was little for her upcoming party but he just changes the subject or acts too busy for me."

 

     Horrorable News was able to track down Debra's son Michael on the matter.  "Yea, I don't think I'll be hooking it up for her and I took the cable so no one else can" Michael told Horrorable News.  "When I was in high school I recorded over those with episodes of Monstervision to watch later but I never did watch them again.  When mom finds out I did this she will literally kill me or stop paying my cell phone bill.  I want to hold off as long as I can before telling her." 

 

Horrorable News will be following this story closely and will report back when something unfolds.   



Man is Still Waiting for His Vinegar Syndrome Order

 

     It's been a little over a week since the sale for Vinegar Syndrome's Halfway to Black Friday has ended and movie collector Caleb Franklin is still waiting on his order.  Caleb, who was cursed with having two first names, is becoming severely frustrated with the wait and has turned to social media to vent his frustrations. 

 

     "I've been waiting like two weeks or something stupid like that" Caleb told Horrorable News.  "I order from Amazon like all the time and I've never had to wait this long.  They couldn't have had that many orders before I placed my order.  I mean, they have a shipping department don't they?  That's why I went to the various horror groups to vent my frustration.  I mean, sure, I could check their website or email them directly but I prefer to go to these horror collector groups and shit talk.  It's a lot more effective than actually going straight to the source."

 

     Horrorable News was going to reach out to Vinegar Syndrome for a comment on the matter but we decided against it.  Vin Syn is a small company that has to process hundreds of orders that ship all over the country.  They have their hands full and we did not want to bother them because a few douche bags have no patience.   



Breaking: Tom Savini Has Dyed in His Work Shop

 

     It is now being reported that special effects master and horror icon Tom Savini, 72, has in fact dyed in his workshop.  Witnesses are telling various news sources that the actor, director, and special effects wizard was working in his shop when he dyed.  Savini is known for doing effects for films Dawn of the Dead, Prowler, Friday the 13th, Creepshow, and many more.  Savini is also known for directing the 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead and acting in the films From Dusk Till Dawn, The Ripper, and Planet Terror. 

 

     "I'm confused how this is actually newsworthy" said Savini's Pittsburgh neighbor Lora Matheson.  "He has done several amazing things in his workshop.  He's worked with latex, wood, foam, and fabric.  When the fabric he is working with is not the right color or shade he has been known to dye it or distress it to get his desired color."

 

 

**Horrorable News knows this is a cheap ploy to cash in on a clickbait title for views.  However, this is the first time this has been used and you should ignore the other articles that are similar about Betty White, Fran Drescher, Hulk Hogan and so on.  Totally original here. 

     



Editorial: The Guy That Plays Beetlejuice Should Be Batman

     Batman is one of the most popular comic characters in history.  Fans love the dark knight and every so often the character is rebooted to give fans a fresh take on the character along with lining the pockets of those involved with more cash.  While many speculate who will take over the mantle of Batman I suggest we give the man responsible for Beetlejuice a chance. 

 

     The Beetlejuice character is always funny and the man responsible for his success knows no limits when it comes to onscreen commitment.  He will do whatever it takes to make it work.  That is why I suggest to WB that Lester Green should be their next Batman.  Sure, it's an unconventional approach to Batman but I personally think he would do a fantastic job.