Horror Movie Campaign Contributors Upset To Find Out Their New $100 Blu-rays Are Not Made of Solid Gold

STATEN ISLAND, New York -

An increasing number of campaign investors who just today spent hard-earned money to buy massively overpriced Blu-rays of the new indie horror film Fart The Clown Returns are outraged and taking to social media to complain that the discs are not made of solid gold.

"Frankly, I'm bullshit," said Carl Judge, 30. "I plopped down $100 on a Blu-ray of Fart the Clown Returns, because I assumed that at that outrageous fucking price, it was going to be a solid gold collector's edition. Imagine my surprise to learn that it's just a regular movie in a normal blu-ray case. And signed, too, but by a bunch of people I've never heard of, so what value is that?"

It wasn't just Judge, though, who was upset. While there were people excited to throw down a full month's rent to purchase a mug and a poster and happily shared the campaign with their 1% friends, most normal horror fans and other indie producers and directors were flabbergasted at the response.

"I created a pretty big cult movie myself, and when I tried to crowdfund just a few thousand to help get a sequel off the ground, it went nowhere," said filmmaker Mark Coke. "It's a bit disheartening, honestly. I guess instead of the normal $30 t-shirts and $20 blu-rays that I was offering for perks, I should have been charging $150 for a mug and $85 for a DVD. That's probably a much easier way to make over $100,000 in a single day."

There were some fans who were very excited to see a new, generic killer clown movie would be coming soon.

"I was overjoyed to be able to get involved in this campaign," said Flora Richardson, 22. "I watched the first Fart movie on Netflix, and oh my God it's so scary and intense! It's the scariest movie I've ever seen, and so violent, oh my God. Oh my God. I loved it. I was scared and covered my eyes a lot, but I loved it. So when I heard about Fart 2 I wanted to be a part of it, so I asked my Daddy if I could borrow a few thousand and I was able to get a social media shout-out and a pin and my name in the 'thank you' section at the end of the movie. It's going to be so cool!"

The filmmaker behind Fart the Clown Returns could not be reached for comment, as presumably he was busy laughing all the way to the bank and making fun of stupid horror fans. The new film comes out at some point next year, but who gives a shit, because you probably can't afford to buy a copy right now anyway.

Horror Fan Believed Fake Post on Blogger/Blogspot

 

 

     An Oregon man is making headlines today when he admitted on social media to believing a news article posted on a blogger blogspot page instead of an actual dot com.  Martin Rutherford, 26, told Horrorable News that he "thought it was real."  "I was just browsing through my feed when I saw the article.  I didn't think anything about it and I shared it in a horror group I'm in.  Next thing I know people are commenting about how I'm an idiot and a piece of shit.  Instead of just telling me it was a fake news article they decided to beat me down.  Not cool, man."

 

     The article in question was written by the notorious fake news site Horrorable News that falsely reported that an infamous no budget extreme horror film was being picked up for major distribution.  Martin, however, was not the only one to fall for the faux article.  Several others believed the article in question and even tagged the director himself congratulating him on the deal. 

 

     "Going forward I will pay closer attention to the source of the articles, as well as, checking the expiration date on the milk in the fridge.  I will not make those two mistakes again."  

Paula Dean Cookware to Star in Paranormal Activity Reboot; Will Suply Their Own Stunt Doubles for Production

 

     It was recently announced that Jason Blume and his production powerhouse Blumehouse will be rebooting the found footage franchise Paranormal Activity.  The news was met with mixed feelings among horror fans.  Regardless, Jason Blume is marching on with his remakes and Paranormal Activity is now in pre-production.

 

     The first bit of news from the project was announced today when Blume and celebrity chef Paula Dean inked a deal for her cookware to star in the next five Paranormal Activity films. "Fans of the original series of films will love this bit of casting for the film" Blume told Horrorable News.  "We want to keep the found footage aesthetic as real as possible so we will be using low grade cameras to give that home video vibe and we wanted pots and pans that would stand out against the dull backdrop.  Paula Deans' pots and pans are bright and vibrant.  Fans will love how they fall off the counter and the splash of color will really make for an eerie cinematic moment."

 

     Blume has hinted at a possible deal with the restaurant chain Cracker Barrel to cast their rocking chairs in the film as well which is a genius move on the horror tycoon's part.  EVERYONE has sit on those rocking chairs while waiting on family and if you have to have a rocking chair rocking ominously why not have the best? 

 

     Stay tuned for more news from Paranormal Activity and Jason Blume.  



Instagram Spooky Chick calls everyone "boils and ghouls"

In the over saturated, narcissistic world of horror fandom on Instagram, where you just need huge knockers and tattoos to gain thousands of followers, Spooky Chick/Model IvanaGoresAlotXxX wants to distance herself from other like profiles that litter the platform, by trying to create a "unique and singular user experience" for her followers. 

How will she do this you may ask? 

"Like, I want them to feel like they are in a club. Like, no one else is doing this, ya know?  So, like, I might as well be the one, right?  I call them my 'boils and ghouls'. Like, you know....like....boys and girls!" Ivana told Horrorable News. 

Every one of her daily posts are headed with "Evil Morning my boils and ghouls!" Each photo is of her wearing a "horror t-shirt" that shows off far more of her cleavage than the movie she's advertising, and her holding a DVD from her collection, partially in frame.

"I have fans that, like, send me movies all the time to take pictures with.  Like, I haven't seen any of them, but they all look so spooky, don't they?! If you have any movies you want me to hold in my pictures, send them my way! I love all things spooky!"

We here at Horrorable News love breasts as much as the next red blooded american, but we didn't wanna break it to her that every other "spooky chick" on instagram does the same thing.  What do we know however, as she has well over 30,000 followers to our 12.  She obviously has it all locked down.

Slipknot Announces New Line of Whiskey to Stay Relevant; Goth Moms that Don't Drink are Excited For It

 

     Slipknot is a nu-metal band that came to fame in 1999 with the release of their self-titled album Slipknot in case you didn't know their name.  The band would go on to become one of the biggest metal acts of the 2000s along with bands Korn, Limp Bizkit, and Marilyn Manson.  Like the other bands, Slipknot has faded in popularity but still have a strong fan base.  Yesterday the band announced a new line of whiskey in hopes of winning back some of the fans they've lost.  "It was a business move we have discussed for years and decided it was time to finally do it" said the Slipknot dude that is also in the band Stone Sour that is loved by soccer moms and guys that also listen to Aaron Lewis' solo albums.  "We noticed our crowds are getting smaller and smaller so we thought it would make sense to get them good and drunk with our own brand of whiskey.  They would tell friends and those friends would tell their friends.  Before long people will want to see us live again because who doesn't want free shots and metal?"

 

     Tammy Wiseau of Michigan is one of the few remaining Slipknot fans that is excited for this news.  "I was in college when I first heard Slipknot live.  It was such a fun show.  I don't remember a lot about it because I kept doing shots at the bar but I remember having a lot of fun.  I don't drink too much anymore.  I don't want to be that person anymore especially after having two children that now depend on me but that doesn't mean that when they get older I can't open the bottle and reminisce about how fun it was to be drunk at a Slipknot show."

 

     Instagram model graveflower666 is also a goth mom and fan of Slipknot.  "I love Slipknot but since I had Edward and became a mother I can't really drink anymore while I'm breastfeeding.  And before you even ask, Yes I did name him after Edward from The Twilight Saga."

 

     The new whiskey, No. 9, will feature whiskey made from the finest corn Iowa has to offer that will be a "smooth drink for the maggots out there wanting to party in the pit." 



Horror Hipster Selling Some Stuff to Cover Rent After Paying $400 for a VHS Tape

 

 

     Horror Hipster Gregory Stalls is back in the news this week after he spread himself a little too thin last week.  Gregory is an avid horror fan that prefers to watch movies on VHS or Netflix using his friends account.  "I can't stand these new formats.  If a movie is only available on DVD or bluray I will record them on VHS before I watch them" Gregory told Horrorable News.  His love for VHS runs so deep that he has let that obsession almost ruin his life.  "I'm about to be homeless if I can't sell some of my stuff to cover this month's rent.  I've been on the hunt for a rare VHS for months and finally found a copy on eBay for $400.  My friend Toby tried to stop me because the movie is a lot cheaper on DVD or blu but it's not the same, ya know. So I sank $400 and now my rent is due.  I'm already on thin ice with the landlord and this is the sixth or seventh time that I've missed rent because I bought VHS."

 

     Right now Gregory has several items posted to various horror groups on Facebook in hopes of making some quick cash to pay rent.  "I posted a few doubles I had on VHS and beta in a few groups but I don't have any bites.  I figured when I posted with PM me for prices that I would be flooded with messages but no luck."

 

     We expect Gregory to host another crowd funding campaign to cover rent in the next few days.  Stay tuned for that if you want to help out this horror hipster.   

Horror Satire Site Trying Too Hard to Be "The Hard Times of Horror"

     There is a new horror site that has not been making fives to tens of people laugh with their horror related satire that is now under fire for trying too hard to be the horror version of The Hard Times.  The site in question is Horrorable News.  Their articles "Horror Edgelord Comments Yawn," "Man is Still Waiting for His Vinegar Syndrome Order," and many more have been shared two or three times in various horror groups.  While many find these articles humorous and in good fun, there is a few that can't stop auto-fellationing long enough to laugh at themselves.  Horrorable News was able to speak with Horrorable News founder Mark Brewster who said "HN was my way of making fun of myself and the horror community in general.  Horror and exploitation are my real passion but the community as a whole is pretty toxic.  Fans of the genre are rather cutthroat and often turn on other fans instead of befriending those with similar interests.  With HN I wanted to make fun of the shit talkers, the pop horror fans, the toxic commenters, the abusive horror group admins that smell their own farts, along with the other horror news that people honestly just don't care about." 

 

     Horrorable News' humor doesn't always find it's mark.  Some of the people that are the basis for these articles usually don't find them funny.  Roger Waltrip of the horror group Horror Maniacs and Erotic Affixation is one of those people.  "This site is trying too hard to be The Hard Times of horror"  Roger told Horrorable News.  "The articles are not real or anything that is considered news.  Just yesterday these jack offs said that Sarah Huckabee was going to be in a porn.  Like that would ever happen!"  Mary Bethers of the group Horror Collectors and Titty Twisters said "Horrorable News is a fake news site that is just using click bait articles to trick people into viewing their poorly written trash."

 

     Horrorable News, unlike the fake news site Horrorable News, would like to go on record and state that we would never stoop so low as to use funny headlines just for views.  We always report real news and we ALWAYS return our shopping carts to the cart corrals because we are not lazy pieces of shit.  

Horror Edgelord comments “yawn” to your post

Sean Flotz, 23, spent most of his day like any other, wasting every second mindlessly scrolling through Facebook at his local library, while 5 other people waited for their turn. Most of them had completely legitimate reasons to be there, but Sean didn't care. Nothing gave this pointless piece of human trash more joy than shitting on everyone's day with completely useless negativity.  Meme groups never made him laugh.  Recipes his mother posts were all disgusting piles of slop to him. Ignorant unsolicited hateful political opinions ran from his mouth like a broken faucet.  

Don't even get this writer started about his film opinions! If the horror movie was made after 1989 it was horseshit and he was gonna let you know about it.  You liked a movie where no one was gutted and raped by a pack of old white men?  "Fucking Newb," he would say like a stunted neanderthal. 

Another day in the life of Sean Flotz, internet horror douche canoe. This is what he lived for.  

You, average Joe/Jane six-pack decided to voice your opinion about something you felt passionate about. You loved something so much that you dared to want to start a conversation about it with fellow horror fans on your only outlet in life, the internet.  The excitement in your fan love for this thing was so overwhelming, that you wanted to share it with other great people looking for the same thing.

This was just easy pickings for Sean Flotz, micro-penis mouth breather.  His day had been building to this one laser focused blast.  The 15 people now bugging him to get off the library computer meant nothing to him.   Neither did the fact that he had already pissed his pants twice today.  Not even his girlfriend, who got sick of his self absorbed nonsense and left him for a nice guy, couldn't steal this moment away from him. 

Like a big game hunter spotting easy pray, this was his time to strike.  He couldn't just scroll over it and move on with his day.  He had to let you know what a complete and utter bore you are to him.  EVERYONE needed to know what a "basic newb horror bitch" you are. 

So Sean did the only thing he could, he responded to your thread in HORROR FANS UNITE with one single word: YAWN. 

Feeling sufficiently snarky and satisfied with himself, Sean leaned back and waited for the responses to come pouring in. 

None did.  He waited almost an hour for any sort of response. Numerous other comments came through not even remotely giving his the time of day.  It was almost like no one had read it.  Like he didn't exist.  The world moved on and ignored his useless bullshit.  

The library however kicked him out, baring him from ever using their facility again, and disinfected his seat. 

Sarah Huckabee to Leave White House to Star in Pet Sematary Porn Parody as Church the Cat

 

 

     Cock Burn Entertainment has just announced some major news for their upcoming porn parody Wet Semontary.  Late yesterday press secretary Sarah Huckabee announced that she would be leaving the White House which caught most of America off guard.  Today Barry Whitehead, CEO of Cock Burn Entertainment, has announced that Sarah Huckabee is the first to be cast in Wet Semontary.

 

     "We are pleased to have her join in what would be an unforgettable film" Barry told Horrorable News.  "With this being her first film we didn't want to over do it so we cast her as a secondary character as Church the Cat.  The other role she auditioned for was the couch pillow the men clean themselves on after the scene but we felt that would be a weak character for such a strong actress.  We also inked a five film deal with her and it depends on how this turns out before he offer he other bigger roles.  Right now she is eyeing a leading role in our Dongzilla: Fuck all the Cuntsters as Space Dongzilla."  

 

     Horrorable News has reached out to Sarah to comment on her casting and received the following reply "I am the master of the clit.  Remember this fucking face.  Whenever you see clit you will see this fucking face."  Weird flex but we support you Sarah. 

Mick Garris and Adam Green engage in fart sniffing contest to the death. Jason Blum refs

Two giants of the horror podcasting / film making community came together today in an officially sanctioned, winner take all event.  After years of hosting podcasts that claimed to be about the guests they had on, but always rounded back to being about themselves, Jason Blum asked Mick Garris and Adam Green to come together to find out who was the biggest "fart sniffer of them all".

"A kumite level, battle to the death, is the only way we can figure out WHO is the most egregious self shill in the world, as we know there can only be one," Blum told Horrorable News.

The two Horror titans trained for one week, podcasting almost endlessly about the various movies and events they have been a part of, famous people in the business they know, and projects they have in the pipework that they can't necessarily discuss but want to let you know about.   Exhausting listeners with the same stories they've relayed hundreds of times over years of endless talking, Garris and Green walked into the area with hardened wills of steel.

Knowing that this contest could take days, Blum pulled out all the stops, making this an internet wide streaming event.  Garris and Green knew the crossover appeal and had been building it up on their respective shows and websites.

Once the two were in the arena, staring face to face, Blum lowered his hand between them and the flatulence began, with Garris letting out a low gurgling fart that smelled of raw sewage.

"I thought I was gonna barf for sure," commented front row spectator Bran Spankage, long time Hatchet fan and 39 year old Wal-Mart stocker.

Not missing a beat, Green let out a quick punctual bleat from his tightened anus, bringing to mind a pop gun shot.

The two of them started wafting the aroma's into their nasal cavities, reveling in the sensory delights, much to everyone's disgust.

"I better get comfortable, this could go on forever" Jason Blum told the audience after slipping a plug in for the potential next installment of the Halloween series.

We here at Horrorable News will keep you up to date on any further developments in this story.

That Guy You Pissed Off in the Horror Group CAN Kick Your Ass and Here's Why

 

     Every horror fan has done it.  You were in one of the thousands of horror groups that are identical to all the others just commenting on different posts when boom!  it happens.  You pissed someone off accidentally.  Sure, no one gives a fuck that you don't like the American Guinea Pig series but you have every right to say that but now someone that you don't know is pissed.  You make jokes about him being mad but that only makes matters worse.  Now, he's threatening to kick your ass.  You play it off as someone bashing a keyboard but that's not the case.  He can and will kick your ass and here's why.

 

     This guy more than likely said something along the lines of "I've fought bigger people than you before" or "I've fucked bigger guys than you in the ass while in prison."  You should believe him especially if he tags someone that you don't know for verification that he is as tough as he said.  Two people making these claims on the internet makes it true.

 

     Another reason you should prepare for an ass whoopin' is because weak beta males don't threaten people on the internet.  If someone is in the horror group handing out free ass whoopins then you better believe he has the experience to make you cry uncle.  He doesn't do it for recognition.  If he wanted to be recognized he would make his face his profile picture and not an anime character.  Nah, this man hands out these ass whoopins to keep the world in check. 

 

     He has the time to find you.  He does so you better be on the look out.  These guys that start shit in these groups do so because they know they have the time to finish it. They usually something along the lines of "I'm between jobs" or "I wasn't getting the respect I deserved so I quit."  Regardless of the reason these people typically have time on their hands and they will find you. 

 

     Finally, he has paralyzed you with fear.  You may like to voice your opinion on the internet when no one asked you to but you can't stand confrontation so the second he made the threat you felt the icy cold hands of fear grip you by the spine.  He has already won and didn't lift a finger.  That keyboard can't protect you now.  All you can do is accept your fate and prepare to be beat like a conservative man beats his dick while he watches trap porn while his wife is away. 

 

    

 

     



Straight Horror Fan Wants to Know If He Can Watch The Babadook If He's Not Gay

 

     Being straight is a lot of hard work in today's society.  We are in the middle of pride month and several companies are now showing their support for the LGBT community by repackaging certain products and donating proceeds from the sales to the LGBT community.  Straight men are personally feeling attacked by these decisions because they are no longer the center of attention. 

 

     One person affected the hardest by this is Michigan's Dan Rutherford.  Dan is an avid horror fan that has slowly been building his collection over the years and planned on buying the 2014 horror film The Babadook.  Now he's afraid his purchase of the film would wrongfully label him as gay.  "What if my friends see the rainbow spine on my shelf" proclaimed Dan.  "They will think I'm gay or one of those bi dudes you hear about on tv.  I really want to see the movie but I just can't risk being labeled as gay."

 

     Dan is referring to the Scream Factory Pride release of The Babadook that comes with a rainbow printed sleeve.  We spoke with Dan and suggested he pull the sleeve off the release and throw it away or tell his closed minded friends to eat a bag of dicks.  Dan has yet to respond to our suggestions but we will update you guys once he does.  



Tinder Date says she’s a horror fan, cites IT as her favorite movie.

After months of swiping left on the single women in his community via the social dating app Tinder, Steve MacDonald, 25, thought he had finally found the woman of his dreams Thursday night. After looking through all her pictures, (mostly of her and 4 other women and usually with snapchat animal filters turned on) Steve found the exactly the key to their ongoing love.

Teresa, 23, stated in her bio to be a horror fan. Knowing that this is akin to discovering Atlantis or finding a unicorn in the wild, Steve swiped right post haste.

Much to his surprise, she connected with him instantly.  Steve, unable to contain his excitement leaped from the toilet and ran around screaming "YES" for 2 minutes. After chatting for an hour on the app, the two decided that they wanted to get a coffee at a neighborhood shop later in the week.

In the coming days, Steve held whole conversations about the ranking order of Guinea Pig movies and how they would match up with hers. He put together movie night playlists of the most obscure Naschy movies he could think of.  Then he thought about if they would be Tor Johnson and Vampira for Halloween this year. Planned a trip to Cinema Wasteland in October.  His spirits soared like they never had before.

Throwing on his old Fright Rags Phenomena shirt, Steve strutted down to the coffee shop to meet Teresa. After getting their respective drinks and sitting down outside, the conversation began in earnest, and they were hitting it off quite well.

Then the big moment happened:

Steve asked Teresa what her favorite horror movie was.  After a little giggling, she came out as saying she "didn't watch much horror but LOVED the new IT movie. Aren't clowns so spooky?!"

"Oh....yeah I suppose..." Steve responded.   Crushed, and knowing that he had been duped, Steve proceeded to down the rest of his coffee in 5 minutes and wish her a good night. 

Steve, in a post date interview, told Horrorable News of his disappointment and that he would forge on.  "Sure she was nice, cute, and we got along and all, but I can't be with someone who's favorite movie is that clown bullshit.  No way.  I have standards."

As of this writing, Steve is now on Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Badoo, Hinge, and Plenty Of Fish to find his gore soaked goddess.

Local werewolf shunned by community after his affair with furry goes public.

On the heels of a triumphant congressional nomination in the Wolfman senate, Thaddius Volkstien's political career was handed a swift and unanimous deathblow today when it was leaked that he had been having a long standing affair with local furry Foxy Swiftbottom today.

While he still hasn't made a public statement on the incident, the internet is currently ablaze with Twitter hashtag #furrgate trending 3rd.

High standing werewolves in the community have been heard claiming this as "shameful", "debaucherous", and "an abomination to the species".  Leaked photos show Thaddius throwing money all over Foxy's huge stuffed breasts in a seedy hotel earlier this year, along with numerous lewd snapchat photos.

"What's next?  Sex with Stuffed animals?" Shouted Monster News Network anchor Ike Rogane on the highly popular show Furr Wars.

Whether or not Thaddius will recover from this scandal is yet to be known, but the turn in monster sexual intolerance has been on the increase since Slug President Ronald Dumpster was elected 2 years ago.

This reporter can't wait for this reign of terror to be over with, honestly, and fears for the future of Monster politics. We here at Horrorable News wish Thaddius the best in these troubled times.

Jackhole builds eBay empire on selling Slipcases for more than the Movie is worth

"Well if I sell them, I clearly state it’s just the slip. Plus I’m not making anyone pay me anything. If they want to spend $15 or $20 on just the slip who am I to tell them not to?" proclaimed internet shit heel Chas Ignarmen.

For months, post by post, he has been building an empire off the backs of desperate horror collectors that slept on early deals, by price gouging DVD/BluRay slipcases on eBay well after they are available to the mass public, making their price exceed the movies by sometimes 70%.

"I used to buy up limited run copies of new underground releases and sell them for 4 times the price when they were all gone, but now, this is too good to be true," Chas told Horrorable News to our astonishment.

Regardless of the countless 1 star reviews on eBay and numerous facebook selling groups, Chas remains determined and is reaping the benefits of raking unsuspecting fans over the coals.

Indie Horror Filmmaker Announces 'Groundbreaking' Movie Idea, Needs Your Help To Fund His New 'Friday the 13th' Fan Film

Falltown, Kentucky -

Indie horror filmmaker Ryan Fitz announced on social media this morning his groundbreaking horror idea, and he's asking for help from the horror community to get it done.

"I have been dry for new ideas lately after my last movie, Killer Clowns From Inner Space, and wanted to come up with something that no one had ever done before," said Fitz. "When I started thinking about all the great horror films there have been, the one that stands out the most to me is Jason and Friday the 13th. I am going to take it upon myself to add a new story to the mythology behind the Jason character!"

Fitz launched his Indiegogo campaign today as well, looking for funds to get his new project off the ground.

"All we need is roughly $42,000 to make this thing a reality," said Fitz in his campaign video. "I know that horror fans want something new and fresh, and I'm going to give it to them with this new film. Nobody has ever made a Jason fan film before that I've ever heard of, so I know this will get everyone really pumped."

When Horrorable News asked Fitz about the legalities behind what he was asking, and what he wanted to do, he scoffed at the idea there could be any repercussions.

"I know what you're thinking - I didn't get permission to do this, so I can't really make any money, but it's okay because see they're in litigation right now, so it's hard for anyone to sue me," said Fitz. "Plus, once the movie is done, we'll put it online for free so it's all okay in the eyes of the law. Yes, I'm going to sell posters, t-shirts, DVDs, and Blu-rays during the campaign, but I'm going to make sure we only break even, and every penny we make over that will get donated to some charity or something. Seriously, it's all good, I promise you."

You can search for Fitz's campaign on Indiegogo, and if you can't find it, then we suggest you donate to any of the other 6 Friday the 13th fan films that are currently in production, all slated for release this year.

Filmmaker Lucifer Valentine's True Identity Has Finally Been Made Public and People Are SHOCKED!

Los Angeles, California -

Filmmaker Lucifer Valentine is well known in the underground horror scene for creating a slew of movies so vomit-inducing, they're referred to as the Vomit Gore series. All of Valentine's work contains some real, graphic items - such as vomit or urine - and mixes it with special FX like blood and gore to create a unique film viewing experience.

The one thing that has always remained a secret from nearly everyone, though, is Valentine's true identity. Though he has worked with many actors and actresses over the years, including horror film actors-turned-directors The Soska Sisters, no one has ever revealed his true identity until today.

"Honestly, when I heard it, I couldn't believe it," said horror fan Dan Ellis. "I've been a fan of his nasty films for years, and I never would have guessed that's who it was."

"I've been friends with him forever, and even I didn't know!" said filmmaker Fred Vogel, the director behind the underground classic August Underground's Mordum, which recently was announced for a Criterion release coming this fall. "When he finally came clean and let everyone know, it kind of blew me away. Frankly, I shouldn't be shocked...but I am!"

Horrorable News asked for permission to release the name publicly in an exclusive, but were denied the right to release his true identity.

"I've started to tell my friends, some of whom probably had guesses, but others had no clue," said Valentine. "I still can't go fully public because it would completely decimate the entire concept of this secret, faux-vile filmmaker that I've spent years developing, but I can say that anyone who really watches my movies can probably figure it out. It's not like it's that hard to put the pieces together."

We reached out to The Soska Sisters, Valentine's most famous stars, who continue to refuse to comment about their work on his film, as talentless hacks trying to bury their history tend to do.

Horror collector wonders how many copies of Gutterballs he really needs

Sioux City, South Dekota

This day was one that 28 year old horror aficionado/collector Brad Stanchading, had been anticipating for years now.  After buying every variant DVD, Blu Ray, and VHS copy he could find, along with all the associated merch he could get his mits on, Brad would be getting the final copy of his favorite film in the mail today.  Every 15 minutes he looked out the window to see if the mail lady had dropped off the package.  The 4 double sized Monsters he had drank didn't help matters, as his nerves were shot and his mind was running on overdrive.

Then it happened.

At 1:47 PM the doorbell rang and he ran to the front door with a quickness that he had never harnessed in his life.  The door exploded open and there, standing before him, was his local mail carrier holding the package he had been dreaming about since 2008 when the film came out.

After the closing the door, Brad ripped open the package, sending scraps of garbage flying everywhere.  Finally, he held it.  In his hands was the last piece of his collection. It was now complete.

In his head, the theme music to Chariots of Fire played as he imagined himself walking over to the movie shelf in slow motion.  The Japanese, purple disc, mondo inspired, ultra rape special DVD/BluRay/minidisc/UMD edition of Ryan Nicholson's Gutterballs was finally his and when he placed it beside the rest of his 30 copies of the film, he could swear he heard a 20 rifle salute happening somewhere in his neighborhood.

This feeling was not unlike the first time he had diddled himself to episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark in his youth.  This was everything.  This was the greatest day of his life.

Slowly, Brad stepped back to finally admire and take the experience all in.

After 10 minutes of nonstop staring at his movies and 25 posts in every collectors group he was a part of on facebook, the universe suddenly sent him a thought bomb unlike anything he had ever experienced before in his life.

He then asked himself:

How many copies of Gutterballs do I really need?

Knowing that he had reached the pinnacle of the mountain, and that he had thoroughly documented the event, Brad grabbed all his copies except for the brand new one, that ironically was a region 2 copy he had no way of playing, and tossed them all into a garbage bag. After solemnly walking back to the fire pit in his back yard, he doused the lot with lighter fluid and set it ablaze holding one hand onto his heart, knowing that his life up until that point had been a sham.

As the toxic smoke from the fire slowly filled the nighttime sky, Brad whispered to the cosmos:

"Growing up sucks"

ToeTag Pictures Announces Fall 2020 Release of 'August Underground's Mordum' on Criterion Blu-ray

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania -

Fred Vogel, owner of ToeTag Pictures, announced today that one of the company's most notorious films, August Underground's Mordum, will be hitting store shelves in a Criterion Blu-ray release in time for Halloween.

"We weren't supposed to say anything until August, just because of the joke, but I couldn't wait any longer to let everyone know - I'm super stoked on this release," said Vogel. "Criterion approached us well over a year ago, and said they were interested in Mordum. I let them have full access to every piece of footage I have, and they've done an incredible job with it."

Criterion, who are known for their extremely well put together releases of cinema's most highbrow films, have also in recent years put out several arthouse horror or vintage underground films, including Antichrist and John Waters' Multiple Maniacs. 

"Mordum looks like a billion dollar film with the care that Criterion has put into this release," continued Vogel. "They did a scan, somehow, of the VHS that we shot it on. They cleaned the thing up, but still somehow left it looking like straight SOV shit, just how it should. They also packed it with special features, but I'm not going to reveal what they are just yet."

Criterion spokesman Peter Mountain said that the company is "truly overjoyed" to be able to get Mordum out to the masses.

"At this point, the only people who've really seen Mordum are extreme horror aficionados, or people who blindly stumbled into it somehow," said Mountain. "We want to be able to take this movie to the next level. To let the entire world see it, in all its bizarre, disgusting, shot-on-video fucking glory, released in a beautiful new Blu-ray set, but still looking as raw as a maggot-riddled corpse getting raped."

The movie will be available this fall, with a tentative release date for October 1st.

Small time horror podcaster tries to lure people to show by offering premium Snapchat

Louisville, Kentucky

Feeling down after not seeing any noticeable improvement in numbers, Chad, host of Podmare on Cast Street, decided it was time to pull out the only weapon he had left in his arsenal to get people to pay attention to his mainstream horror themed podcast, he would offer nudes of his huge dong on a premium Snapchat.

Having been told by not only his last girlfriend, but also his mom, that he had something special down below, Chad knew that his Monster can sized schlong would eventually be his meal ticket to the top of the podcasting world.  People would finally listen to his completely original insights on Hereditary after seeing his veiny member. The 5 hour podcasts where he and his 4 other male friends dissect the subtext of every Wishmaster movie, would have hits in the hundreds for sure after they check out his meat trombone.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures” Chad confessed to Horrorable News.

Taking the smartphone he got from Dollar General in hand, Chad threw caution to the wind and proceeded to snap pics and wait for the friend requests to start rolling in.

“Look out Splatcast, here I come!” Chad shouted in the Horrorable News offices as he walked out the door.

UPDATE: A month later, after no noticeable improvement to listener-ship, and a sexual harassment lawsuit, Chad has decided to give up podcasting and stick to smoking Winston Lights behind a local diner, while telling diner patrons what he thinks about the news of the upcoming Annebelle movie as they leave the establishment.

Tobe Hooper Dies for the Sixth Time Since 2017 Thanks to Oblivious Social Media Friend Who Shares Outdated Articles

 

     Director Tobe Hooper carved his own legacy in the horror genre when he thought of the concept behind The Texas Chainsaw Massacre while waiting in line at a hardware store.  From that moment forward he was a horror icon that sadly passed in 2017.  On  August 26th of that year social media was on fire with reports of his death.  Several news sites and blogs ran tributes for the man that created a horror franchise that still sees sequels and remakes to this day.

 

     Now, 2 years later, Megan O'Hanes is just now getting the news.  "It's heartbreaking as a horror fan" Megan told Horrorable News.  "I absolutely loved his film Poltergeist and I'm taking his death very hard."  When friends of Megan's told her that he had passed 2 years ago she was flabbergasted.  "How did he die two years ago?  The article can be read now!"  Friends urged her to check the date of the article along with anything else she read on the internet to ensure that it is the most up to date news but she responded with "that's asinine.  News articles should be deleted after a certain amount of time so I don't share it on my timeline and look like a fuckin' fool!" 

 

     Horrorable News asked Megan if she was fans of Wes Craven and Gunnar Hansen and when she said yes we told her to have a seat...



Grown Man relives childhood by watching Horror Movie just for the Titties

Fall Creek, Wisconsin

Friday night, after a long week of grueling call center work, Stan Chadman kicked back on his couch and made a clear decision. With his girlfriend out of town for the weekend, there was no better time to take a stroll back down memory lane. With video stores almost completely gone in the post apocalyptic hell-scape that is Trump’s 2019 America, Stan closed all the blinds, fired up his Roku, and decided to peruse through his Amazon Prime membership to find the perfect horror movie. Not just any horror movie would do, however. This one had to be like the ones he’d fool his parents with back in 1996 when they’d ask him to pick the family movie for the weekend, it would be lousy with huge titties. “I miss the old days,” Stan told Horrorable News, “where I could walk to the back of the rental store and pick up some good spank material in plain site of fellow unsuspecting customers. Sure, they put them on the top shelf so the clerks would know, but most people didn’t have a clue. When I brought that copy of Witchcraft 5: Dance with the Devil to the clerk, we looked each other in the eye and knew I was in for some rude titties.” While Netflix had excised most of its lurid content years ago from it’s service, Amazon Prime had such a smorgasbord of titillating delights, that he almost couldn’t contain himself. What followed was a triple feature of movies where every last female lost their clothes and ran with melon heavy breasts through some random forest before the rubber monsters offed them unceremoniously. The next day, Jules, Stan’s girlfriend called him to check in and see how his night had been and he responded with only one word: GLORIOUS.

Man Shows 'A Serbian Film' To Woman on First Date, Marries Her When She Makes It Through Without Complaint

Bangor, Maine -

Thomas Robertson, 36, got married over the weekend to his beautiful bride, Ann, 34, saying he knew she was "the one" after he showed her his favorite film, A Serbian Film, on their first date, and she enjoyed it.

"Back when I was in the dating scene, my go-to movie was always Serbian," says Robertson. "I'd meet a girl, we'd chat, and if we'd meet up, I'd always suggest we watch my 'favorite foreign film.' If they couldn't make it through that, there's no reason to keep dating them, you know? None of them ever did."

"Honestly, I've been watching horror movies my whole life, and yeah, it's extreme, but I mean, it's just a movie, right?" said Ann. "It's not that big a deal. I guess if that's what brought us together, then it's all for the best, because I sure am in love."

"You know a girl is the one if she can watch a dude skull fuck another dude to death," said Robertson. "She even laughed at how fake the baby looked. I mean come on. She was definitely the one!"

The Robertsons will actually be honeymooning to Serbia in the fall, once they can get time off from their respective jobs. Ann Robertson wanted us to know, for the record, that her favorite film is A Clockwork Orange, but that she'll watch A Serbian Film any time her husband requests it.

Racist Grandma Knew the Black Guy Would Die First in That Scary Movie You Are Watching

 

     Horror fans put up with a lot of shit but one horror fan from Virginia has to put up with more than most.  Rory Cullen of Richmond has been a horror fan for most of his life.  His father got him started watching it but after he lost both his parents in an automobile accident he was sent to live with his grandmother in Tazwell, Virginia.  He still watches horror movies but it was a bit of a different experience for him.  "I had to cut back some on the amount of movies I was watching.  She only has the one television and she doesn't miss the nightly news or her day-time soaps.  As I got older I realized that she was a little racist so I had to cut back on Japanese and urban horror because I didn't want to hear the comments she would make" Rory told Horrorable News.

 

     "I'm not racist but" Mable Cullen said while giggling "sometimes you just know the black guy is going to die first.  That's how those cheap horror movies work.  The colored guy always dies first. It's not being racist if it's true." 

 

     "I knew she grew up in a different time than now so I try not to give her so much shit about it.  I just let her make her comments and I go about my business.  I just hope she never says anything like that in public and embarrass me."  Rory said.  When Horrorable News asked Rory about educating his grandmother and moving her into 2019 he responded with "that would be disrespectful to do that.  She's lived a long life and I don't see anything wrong with it if its only said in her home."

 

 

**Horrorable News would like to extend a big fuck you to racist grandmas, grandpas, moms, and dads along with any of you that know it's wrong and don't correct them.  



New YouTube Horror Movie Reviewer Encourages You To Share His Videos, 'Mash That Subscribe Button'

Lexington, Kentucky -

New YouTuber and self-proclaimed film critic Chris "Splatterhouse" Smith just launched his new horror unboxing and movie review channel, and is strongly encouraging friends to share all of his videos, and to "mash that subscribe button."

"I'm up to 11 subscribers after only two weeks, which I think is a really good start," said Smith, 34, in an exclusive interview with Horrorable News. "My old channel, which was all related to Pokemon cards, only ever got to 10 subscribers, and that was after 3 years, so I think this is really something."

Smith says he has been into horror since he first saw Jordan Peele's Oscar-winning film Get Out last year.

"I know I'm getting into the game kind of late, but I don't think that really matters," said Smith. "I've always liked seeing movies, and even though I never really knew much about horror, I feel I can still talk good about them after I see them. Of course, I'm not going to have much for content until I can get screeners to watch, so if you've got any, you can send them my way."

Smith went on to say that he hopes everyone reading this will like and subscribe to his channel, which we're refusing to link to in this article.

Horror Fan Depressed To Learn Halloween Decorations Aren't Supposed To Be Permanent Home Decor

Salem, Massachusetts -

Miranda Rogers, 28, says she was "extremely depressed" and "mildly disturbed" to learn that Halloween lights and decorations are not supposed to be permanent home decor, after her parents visited her new apartment last week.

"Miranda had orange lights, inflatable ghosts, plastic pumpkins, and fake spiderwebs everywhere," said Carl Rogers, 52. "I know we raised her better than that. Skulls with flashing light eyes? I overlooked those bizarre things when she was a teen living at home, but this is just ridiculous."

Miranda moved into her first solo apartment just over a month ago, after a stint in college and then living with roommates for the last few years. She said she was excited to finally decorate the way she always wanted to, but that her parents really shook her to the core with their revelation.

"It doesn't say anything on the box that the lights must only be hung through the month of October," said Miranda, near tears. "I love this stuff. 'Halloween 365' has always been my motto! I'm seriously crushed right now."

"I just want to have some damn grandchildren before I die," said Miranda's mother, Pamela Rogers, 50. "No guy is going to come to this apartment and want to have sex with her. At least not a guy who is going to be good father material. It's time for her to grow up."

Miranda said that she would reluctantly remove the ghosts and pumpkins, but had "serious reservations" about getting rid of her Halloween lighting scheme.

Guy Selling His Movies on Facebook is Hoping You'll 'PM For Price'

Liberty, Vermont -

Tony Payne, who is an active member of more than 30 different horror-related groups on Facebook, posted that he would be selling off "a good chunk" of his DVD & blu-ray collection, and that he had some "unexpected bills" that came up that needed to be taken care of.

Listing pictures of all of his Scream Factory collector's editions, as well as several out of print copies of movies from Arrow Video and Vinegar Syndrome, Payne said that he would be "open to offers," but after another horror fan, Charlie Richardson, commented asking for the price on the Society embossed box set, Payne made a fatal error.

"PM for price," he commented in return to Richardson, for which Richardson then left a "haha" laughing reaction.

"I don't even bother with dudes who say PM for price, or 'Paypal friends & family only', or 'no lowball offers,'" said Richardson in an exclusive interview with Horrorable News. "Those kinds of dudes, they're not worth buying from. They're going to act like they're your friend giving you a 'deal,' bend you over, fuck your wallet up the ass, and then probably not even ship the movies. Or if they do, they send media and forget to tell you the tracking."

Richardson did reveal that he was able to get the Society box set from another Facebook user who was upfront with his pricing, and gladly accepted Paypal goods & services.

At the time of this writing, all of Payne's movies were still for sale.

Guy With World's Largest Movie Collection Complains He Can't Find Anything to Watch

Phoenix, Arizona -

“It’s just the most obnoxious thing, really,” said Derek Davis, Guinness World Record holder for most DVDs in a private home library. “I own more movies than anyone on the planet, yet I just can’t find a thing to watch. It’s really frustrating.”

Davis’ love of collecting movies started nearly a decade ago, when he ran across a video store that was going out of business. He ended up walking out with over 200 movies in that one day, and because of the liquidation pricing, he paid only about $7.

“It was really dumb luck, you know? It kicked off one hell of a movie adventure, though," joked Davis. "I wish someone would make a movie about my movie collection, then I'd have another to add to it."

Davis' collection, which is organized by genre and then listed alphabetically, compromises many different forms of media, including old-school VHS and Betamax, as well as Laserdiscs, DVDs, and Blu-rays. His collection has been ranked by Guinness as the biggest private collection in the world, at just shy of189,000 films. His favorite genre is horror, of which he owns 78,948 films. 

"I've counted them all many times, and every time I add a new one, I catalog it," said Davis. "I'm pretty meticulous like that. My all-time favorite horror movie is The Willies. It's the pride of my collection, honestly, even though it came from a dollar store dump bin."

Sadly, because of the sheer size of his collection, Davis says he hasn't even been able to find anything to watch. 

"I own more films than God himself, yet haven’t watched a movie in nearly two years. I just keep buying new ones, cataloging them, and putting it into the collection," said Davis. "Honestly, whenever I want to put something on, I just throw on some show on Netflix or whatever."

President Trump Seeks To Ban The Production of New Horror Movies, Calling Them a 'Drain on America's Youth'

Washington, D.C. -

President Donald Trump signed a new order late Saturday evening that would essentially ban the production of new horror films, whether by Hollywood filmmakers and studios, or by smaller, independent companies and individuals.

Calling horror films a "total drain on America's youth," Trump stated in a press conference that most horror movies are filled with gratuitous sex, violence, and obscene materials, and that was little need for that kind of conduct in the world of media and entertainment.

"While horror movies were, at one time, a staple of a generation, they have since become meaningless, raunchy, and far too disturbing," said President Trump in a prepared statement. "Making the production of horror films illegal is step one in my huge, huge plan to overhaul the media content our children have access to, and I believe it's one of the biggest steps."

The President went on to say that he does, over time, plan to retroactively eliminate all horror films that have ever been made available, including those that never made it past their original VHS release.

"We've procured some big magnets from the great, great manufacturers in China," said Trump. "We're going to gather up all the old VHS tapes, all the Texas Friday The 13ths and all the Child's Things and the Nightmare on Maple Streets, and run the big magnet over them, and erase them all. New movies on the discs will just be thrown into a chipper."

Trump said he is pulling back focus on the border wall to engage fully with the extermination of horror movies in the United States.

Horror Filmmaker Launches Kickstarter Campaign For Movie He Just Made Up 10 Minutes Ago

Montreal, Quebec, Canada -

A filmmaker from Montreal says he is "super pumped" to unveil his next project on Kickstarter, a new horror film he literally just came up with only 10 minutes ago, but promises will be "super awesome" when it's done.

"Earlier tonight I was taking a shit, and it came to me out of nowhere," says filmmaker Brian Quarterson. "I am going to make a horror movie set in a funhouse or maybe like, an amusement park or something, and there's a killer, and he's stalking everyone, and you're not quite sure why, but it really doesn't matter, because the deaths are going to be super fucking sick, guys, and you'll love it."

The Kickstarter for the as-yet-untitled project was launched only a few moments ago, and Quarterson says he only needs roughly $25,000 to get his project off the ground.

"Some of that budget is for things like lights and equipment and actors and stuff, but a huge chunk of it is going to be for the BLOOD and GORE FX that we're going to need," said Quarterson. "This movie is going to be so sick. I think what I'm going to do actually is make this a whole series of movies, actually, so instead of one movie you can help me fund, I'll make it two movies. No, wait. THREE movies! Yeah, this idea is so good I can get three movies out of it, for sure! Plus you'll be able to get special packaging and special editions and all sorts of extras. Oh man, this keeps getting better and better!"

Quarterson wanted Horrorable News readers to know that you can donate as little as $10, which will earn you a "social media shout out," or you can donate $150 and get a BD-R of the finished movies when they're done, with an estimated shipping date of October 2025. For big spenders, he does have an $8,000 campaign perk, which will get you an Associate Producer title on IMDb and a "special thanks" in the end credits of the second movie.

Stephen King Shills Another Upcoming Generic Horror Movie, Calling It 'Truly Terrifying' and 'The Scariest Movie Ever Made'

Bangor, Maine -

Prolific horror author Stephen King posted to his Twitter early yesterday, calling some generic horror movie that comes out this fall "truly terrifying."

"I watched a movie last night, it's the scariest movie of all time," said King in the Tweet. "It's so absolutely terrifying that I literally shit myself in fear, and couldn't even move to clean myself up for a solid 30 minutes after the credits rolled. You've never seen anything like this!"

King, who has sold more books in his career than Jesus Christ has sold Bibles, is known for hyping up any horror film that comes down the pike, but is especially fond of hyping projects related to his own stories, recently saying about Pet Sematary (2019) "This is scary. Be warned." That naturally turned out to be a lie, when Pet Sematary bombed hard with audiences, because it was a ruined shitfest of epic proportions.

"I love King's books, the guy can definitely write," said horror fan Ariel Johnson. "At this point, though, I don't bother listening to his reviews. He hasn't hated a movie since The Shining. Seriously, can every single horror movie really be the scariest of all time? Stephen King certainly thinks so."

King did not mention in his most recent tweets exactly what movie he watched, but in all honesty, it likely could be applied to any horror movie you've seen a trailer for in the last 3 months.

When Horrorable News reached out to King for comment, he reminded us to watch Nos4atu on AMC, a show based on the novel of the same name written by his son Joe Hill. "It's absolutely terrifying as hell!" said King. "Scariest TV show of all time, seriously!"

Old Man Looking For Porn Stash on Grandson's Computer Pissed To Only Find Horror Movies

Miami, Florida -

Albert Francis, 80, said he was "extremely disturbed" and "more than a little pissed" to discover that his grandson, Tim Francis, 19, didn't store any porn on his computer, and that all he had saved were horror movies.

"Damnit, I thought that all kids today had tons of porn on their laptops," said the elder Francis. "I lived through I don't know how many damn wars, the death of two wives, and all I wanted was a quick tugger, and couldn't find a gaul-damn thing on Tim's computer to watch. All he had was nasty horror movies. But not that good nasty, like I like. The real nasty, you know? Decapitations! I saw a man get his head cut off! There's something wrong with that boy, absolutely."

Tim, who was visiting a friend at the time of his grandfather's file searching, said he wasn't upset his grandfather was using his computer for porn, he was just kind of confused we he thought there might be some saved.

"I haven't had a porn file saved since I was like nine or something," said young Tim. "Jesus, doesn't granddad know about the internet? I stream my porn like a normal guy. I will say, though, I'm a bit upset he deleted all my downloaded episodes of Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs. It took me hours to find all those."

Albert says he wants to get Tim help, because he's convinced that the young Francis masturbates to the horror movies, but Tim said he's not worried.

"Gramps is headed back to the Home at the end of the weekend, so I think I'll just bring him back a day early and get him a subscription to PornHub."

Guy Who Bashes Every Modern Horror Film Reluctantly Admits That 'Midsommar' Looks Like It Might Be Okay

Franklin County, Missouri -

Tony Wilson, 32, is known amongst his group of friends as "that horror movie guy," but as Wilson will have you know, he "only watches movies made before 1994," and that "all modern horror movies are absolute shit."

Wilson, who was not even alive during the late 70s, claims that no horror movies have ever been as good as that time period, but does admit that Midsommar looks like it might be "okay."

"Hereditary was a total suckfest, so when I heard the director was making another movie and it was going to be set in like, Sweden or some shit, and set in the daytime, I immediately checked out," said Wilson while wearing a Texas Chainsaw Massacre t-shirt. "When I watched the trailer, my eyes rolled out of the back of my head, but I have to admit, it could be okay, I guess."

In checking Wilson's Letterboxd ratings of recent horror movies, he gave mega-hits and critical darlings such as The Witch and Jordan Peele's Us 1 star each, but did give Peele's first film, the Oscar winning Get Out, a 2 1/2 stars.

"That one was okay, too," Wilson admitted. "But mostly, it was shit. Everything has been shit since Wes Craven defecated all over the horror scene and made Scream. Ugh. Shit. Total shit. Can you believe the same guy made The Last House on the Left? It's a shame man, shit."

Horror Fan Upset His Latest Torture Porn Film Purchase Wasn't 'Torturous or Pornographic Enough'

Tallahassee, Florida - 

Tallahassee native and self-proclaimed "horror fanatic" Adrian Rogers took to social media this afternoon after his latest film purchase, an indie horror film known as Slit My Dick, Suck My Fuck, failed to live up to his expectations.

"I bought this movie because I thought by the title that this was going to be a 'torture porn' film, and I really was expecting there to be plenty of both - lots of torture, tons of porn" said Rogers in a lengthy Facebook post. "There was very little of either in the movie! There was literally only one scene with a topless girl in it. What the fuck?!"

When Horrorable News reached out to the filmmaker behind the film, Darren Mitchell, for comment, he said that his film was extremely violent and had plenty of nudity, but that it was a plot-driven horror film, and was not simply "gore for gore's sake."

"My movie literally has the term 'slit my dick' in the title, and we certainly show that happening," said Mitchell, a first-time filmmaker. "So yeah, it's pretty torturous. As for the pornography - well, we have the aforementioned penis, and there's some topless women. But whatever, is that all people watch movies for? What about the subtle nuances I included, and the nods to Lynch, Hitchcock, and even Argento? Yeah, I'm sure nobody noticed that, did they?"

Rogers' Facebook post was later made into a sales post, and he has put up his BD-R copy of Slit My Dick, Suck My Fuck for $11 with free shipping, Paypal friends and family payment only.

Unearthed Films Announces Plans to Revamp as Children's Film Distributor

Los Angeles, California - 

Unearthed Films, who have for years been known as one of the most extreme labels for underground horror and Japanese gore films, announced earlier today that the company was going to be undergoing a "huge revamp" starting in 2020, with plans to become a distributor of children's films and family movies.

"Frankly, the horror market just isn't what it used to be in my day," said company CEO Stephen Biro. "These kids today, all they're interested in is whether or not the 14th release of Green Inferno is going to come with a damn slipcover. They're not concerning themselves with extreme films, gore, or Japanese fare at all."

In the company's press release, Biro mentioned that while sales had remained strong, and in fact had grown in recent months after the implementation of new arms of the company, such as Unearthed Classics and Too Extreme For Mainstream, that he felt there were new directions he wanted to go.

"It's not about the money. It's certainly never been about the money, it's always been about my love of film, and that's not changing," said Biro. "All that's changing is the kind of films I'm going to be sharing my love of with the world. We've already met with many independent companies that release family films, and we're super excited for our release of A Serbian Film, which was originally going to be several minutes longer than the current version, but instead will be fully cut to be appropriate for everyone. We'll also be adding an animated segment that the kids will love!"

Reaction to the announcement has been mostly negative, with one horror fan summing up the new venture as "total fucking bullshit."

Curiously, when questioned about a company name change, Biro said they would still keep the Unearthed name. "Yeah, we can't come up with anything better, so it's sticking," said Biro. "But we're totally open to suggestions."