Horror Hipster Claims Remake "Raped His Childhood"

 

     The micro-brew drinking, VHS tape watching, internet trolling Gregory Stalls is back in the headlines again and this time he's making some major claims. 

 

Most of you may remember Gregory Stalls when he began a smear campaign against Trump for his lack of US tweets.  Now he is claiming that the upcoming Child's Play reboot is ruining his childhood.  "Yea, this movie is a god damn abomination.  It's raping my childhood and ruining a franchise I love dearly" Gregory told Horrorable News. 

 

"Child's Play is one of the first movies I ever watched on tape and now it's fucking ruined.  Just like they did with the all female Ghostbusters a few years back.  Pure trash and I'll never be able to watch the original films again."  When we asked Gregory how the new films has ruined the franchise he seemed confused by the question.  Horrorable News then told Gregory that the reboot hitting theaters doesn't prevent him from still watching and enjoying the original films.  At this point in the interview Gregory became ill and had to go lay down.  

 

 

Disclaimer - The picture above IS Gregory Stalls who some of you may confuse for someone named Wayne or off brand toilet paper.  

Sci-Fi Fan Comes Out as Tri-Curious After Mark Hamill Joins Child's Play Remake

 

     Roger Duty of Tennessee is an avid sci-fi fan.  Many would even go as far as to say he is obsessed with the genre.  "For years I have attended Star Wars and Star Trek conventions all over the east coast and I've made it my life's mission to meet as many characters from these fantastic series as I can before I die"  Roger told Horrorable News.   

 

     Roger has found himself at the center of controversy recently when he found himself questioning his beliefs.  "My father raised me on a strict diet of Star Trek and Lost in Space.  He wants me to continue to love sci-fi but I feel like there is more to life than space flight and kissing green women." 

 

Recently Luke Skywalker himself was cast in the remake of Child's Play and that was when Bart, I mean Roger, found that new spark in his life.  "Horror was something my father always told me to stay away from.  Only mindless morons watch that bloody dribble is what he would always say."  Roger spent the following weeks watching horror movies late at night on Netflix before gathering the courage to tell his father.  "This was going to be something he would need time to adjust to.  When I told him I was marrying my husband Dave he started questioning him about his taste in movies and television.  Thankfully Dave was not a fan of horror."

 

Roger has asked Horrorable News to accompany him as he breaks the news to his father Roger Sr. and we will do a follow up story at that time.  



Vest Guy Has No More Room for New SUSPIRIA Patch

 

     Horror fan and denim vest aficionado Mike Clevenger recently ordered some new patches from a small Etsy shop for a few dollars each.  When they arrived he was horrified to find that his vest is now full with no room for the new patches which included a patch for his favorite Italian horror film Suspiria.  News broke this morning.  Mike was unavailable to comment on the matter but his mother, former crust punk Shelly "Spunky" Clevenger, was able to answer a few questions for us. 

 

 

"I was afraid this would happen" Shelly said.  "When I was younger I had a leather vest with several patches for underground punk bands.  When I ran out of room for new patches I started getting them tattooed instead but Mike refuses to get the patches tattooed on his chest and back because he doesn't like people to see him without a shirt on." 

 

     Mike currently has a crowd funding campaign launched to get a second vest to put new patches on.  "I don't know why his piggly ass did that.  He can't wear two vests at once" Shelly said when asked about the crowd funding.  If you would like to donate to Mike's crowd funding campaign to get his new vest you can do so here (there is no link).  



Breaking - Godzilla:King of the Monsters Trailer Hides Sexually Explicit Images

 

      Godzilla: King of the Monsters is one of the most anticipated films of the year.  Kaiju fans have been begging for this film for years and that wait was almost over.  The film was expected to be released later next month but this may be changed due to the recent trailer making it's rounds on social media.

 

Film synopsis:

 

The new story follows the heroic efforts of the cryptozoological agency Monarch as its members face off against a battery of god sized monsters, including the mighty Godzilla, who collides with Mothra, Rodan, and his ultimate nemesis, the three headed King Ghidorah. When these ancient superspecies, thought to be mere myths, rise again, they all vie for supremacy, leaving humanity's very existence hanging in the balance.

 

    The person responsible for editing the trailer thought they would pull a slick one on viewers by hiding pornographic scenes featuring Nadia White and Mallory Maneater throughout but fans were quick to spot these images.

 

      Legendary Entertainment is expected to pull the film from theaters for quality control which could push back the release to later in the year.  We were unable to speak with the editor responsible for the new trailer but we did speak with Clayton Mobile Homes, a major manufacturer of single and double wide trailers, and they seemed confused and shocked by our questions.

 

     To view the trailer that has been slowed down to better see the hidden images click here.    



Opinion: Not Beyoncé Deserved to Die in Freddy vs. Jason

     

     **Update: Not Beyoncé’s real name is Kelly Rowland.

     Freddy vs. Jason is the 2003 vehicle that pitted two slasher icons Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees together.  This Ronnie Yu directed film has split the horror community for over 16 years.  Genre fans either love it or hate.  Honestly, I personally enjoy it but I can see why so many people feel the need to comment "I hate this movie" on Facebook and Instagram when fans share their love of the film. 

I recently started thinking about this film and I was reminded that Not Beyoncé was a major bitch in the film and deserved what she got.  That's all.  No other point of this article. 

Goth Instagram Model Admits to Never Actually Watching Horror Movie on Her Shirt

  

Goth Instagram model PrincessxGorexWhore69 has gained a 20k following on Instagram.  She started her account 5 years ago and immediately became a hit when she started posting photos of horror VHS, DVDs, and blurays while wearing low cut shirts and short skirts.  Most of her followers are horror fans with a taste for goth women.

One such follower is Gregory Stalls who was the center of our Horror Hipster Angry at Trump Over Lack of US Tweets article.  Gregory is now a full time troll and when he found PrincessxGorexWhore69 on Instagram wearing a Re-Animator shirt he knew he had to troll her. 
"It started out with a single comment and then I knew she had never seen the film" Stalls said.  "I commented on the photo and told her I loved the vampires in the film and the dumb ass replied with "me too."

The film in question, Re-Animator, is the 1985 Stuart Gordon adaptation of the famous H.P. Lovecraft short.  The film follows Dr. Herbert West as he works on perfecting his serum that re-animates the dead.  No vampires can be found in the film. 

Stalls stated that he kept commenting before revealing none of the stuff he mentioned was actually in the movie when she responded with "I've never actually seen this one but I heard it was good" and then stated "the shirt rules though #rawr."  

Horrorable News reached out to PrincessxGorexWhore69 for a comment and she replied with "premium Snapchat available.  For just $20 a month you get access to my premium Snapchat with guaranteed daily nudes."  Weird flex but we get it. 

Pet Sematary to Get Horror Porn Parody; Wet Semontary to Film Early Next Month

 

     Stephen King did not know the impact he would have on the horror genre when he wrote Pet Sematary.  King first wrote the novel in 1983 and in 1989 the first film was released.  It was a hit and a sequel was soon to follow. 

 

Jump forward thirty years and another adaptation of his work is hitting the big screen.  All this talk about Pet Sematary has inspired the adult film company Cock Burn Entertainment Inc. to parody the film.  They announced earlier this morning that the film, Wet Semontary, will begin filming next month.

 

The film is in the early stages of production and no cast has been revealed yet.  The company previously worked with Shawana Bang, Ivana Hump, and Johnny Tongue on their horror parodies of other King classics like Misery...Needs Cock, Silver Muff, Carrie...Needs Cock, The Shawshank Fuckdemption, and The Fuck Zone and we suspect they will return for this production. 

 

When we asked CEO and founder of Cock Burn Entertain Inc. Barry Whitehead about the production he stated that "this was satire and people will not read the story before sharing it on their timeline."  We here at Horrorable News agree with him 100% and want to add sham a lama my ding dong.