Horror Movie Campaign Contributors Upset To Find Out Their New $100 Blu-rays Are Not Made of Solid Gold

STATEN ISLAND, New York -

An increasing number of campaign investors who just today spent hard-earned money to buy massively overpriced Blu-rays of the new indie horror film Fart The Clown Returns are outraged and taking to social media to complain that the discs are not made of solid gold.

"Frankly, I'm bullshit," said Carl Judge, 30. "I plopped down $100 on a Blu-ray of Fart the Clown Returns, because I assumed that at that outrageous fucking price, it was going to be a solid gold collector's edition. Imagine my surprise to learn that it's just a regular movie in a normal blu-ray case. And signed, too, but by a bunch of people I've never heard of, so what value is that?"

It wasn't just Judge, though, who was upset. While there were people excited to throw down a full month's rent to purchase a mug and a poster and happily shared the campaign with their 1% friends, most normal horror fans and other indie producers and directors were flabbergasted at the response.

"I created a pretty big cult movie myself, and when I tried to crowdfund just a few thousand to help get a sequel off the ground, it went nowhere," said filmmaker Mark Coke. "It's a bit disheartening, honestly. I guess instead of the normal $30 t-shirts and $20 blu-rays that I was offering for perks, I should have been charging $150 for a mug and $85 for a DVD. That's probably a much easier way to make over $100,000 in a single day."

There were some fans who were very excited to see a new, generic killer clown movie would be coming soon.

"I was overjoyed to be able to get involved in this campaign," said Flora Richardson, 22. "I watched the first Fart movie on Netflix, and oh my God it's so scary and intense! It's the scariest movie I've ever seen, and so violent, oh my God. Oh my God. I loved it. I was scared and covered my eyes a lot, but I loved it. So when I heard about Fart 2 I wanted to be a part of it, so I asked my Daddy if I could borrow a few thousand and I was able to get a social media shout-out and a pin and my name in the 'thank you' section at the end of the movie. It's going to be so cool!"

The filmmaker behind Fart the Clown Returns could not be reached for comment, as presumably he was busy laughing all the way to the bank and making fun of stupid horror fans. The new film comes out at some point next year, but who gives a shit, because you probably can't afford to buy a copy right now anyway.

Horror Fan Believed Fake Post on Blogger/Blogspot

 

 

     An Oregon man is making headlines today when he admitted on social media to believing a news article posted on a blogger blogspot page instead of an actual dot com.  Martin Rutherford, 26, told Horrorable News that he "thought it was real."  "I was just browsing through my feed when I saw the article.  I didn't think anything about it and I shared it in a horror group I'm in.  Next thing I know people are commenting about how I'm an idiot and a piece of shit.  Instead of just telling me it was a fake news article they decided to beat me down.  Not cool, man."

 

     The article in question was written by the notorious fake news site Horrorable News that falsely reported that an infamous no budget extreme horror film was being picked up for major distribution.  Martin, however, was not the only one to fall for the faux article.  Several others believed the article in question and even tagged the director himself congratulating him on the deal. 

 

     "Going forward I will pay closer attention to the source of the articles, as well as, checking the expiration date on the milk in the fridge.  I will not make those two mistakes again."  

Paula Dean Cookware to Star in Paranormal Activity Reboot; Will Suply Their Own Stunt Doubles for Production

 

     It was recently announced that Jason Blume and his production powerhouse Blumehouse will be rebooting the found footage franchise Paranormal Activity.  The news was met with mixed feelings among horror fans.  Regardless, Jason Blume is marching on with his remakes and Paranormal Activity is now in pre-production.

 

     The first bit of news from the project was announced today when Blume and celebrity chef Paula Dean inked a deal for her cookware to star in the next five Paranormal Activity films. "Fans of the original series of films will love this bit of casting for the film" Blume told Horrorable News.  "We want to keep the found footage aesthetic as real as possible so we will be using low grade cameras to give that home video vibe and we wanted pots and pans that would stand out against the dull backdrop.  Paula Deans' pots and pans are bright and vibrant.  Fans will love how they fall off the counter and the splash of color will really make for an eerie cinematic moment."

 

     Blume has hinted at a possible deal with the restaurant chain Cracker Barrel to cast their rocking chairs in the film as well which is a genius move on the horror tycoon's part.  EVERYONE has sit on those rocking chairs while waiting on family and if you have to have a rocking chair rocking ominously why not have the best? 

 

     Stay tuned for more news from Paranormal Activity and Jason Blume.  



Instagram Spooky Chick calls everyone "boils and ghouls"

In the over saturated, narcissistic world of horror fandom on Instagram, where you just need huge knockers and tattoos to gain thousands of followers, Spooky Chick/Model IvanaGoresAlotXxX wants to distance herself from other like profiles that litter the platform, by trying to create a "unique and singular user experience" for her followers. 

How will she do this you may ask? 

"Like, I want them to feel like they are in a club. Like, no one else is doing this, ya know?  So, like, I might as well be the one, right?  I call them my 'boils and ghouls'. Like, you know....like....boys and girls!" Ivana told Horrorable News. 

Every one of her daily posts are headed with "Evil Morning my boils and ghouls!" Each photo is of her wearing a "horror t-shirt" that shows off far more of her cleavage than the movie she's advertising, and her holding a DVD from her collection, partially in frame.

"I have fans that, like, send me movies all the time to take pictures with.  Like, I haven't seen any of them, but they all look so spooky, don't they?! If you have any movies you want me to hold in my pictures, send them my way! I love all things spooky!"

We here at Horrorable News love breasts as much as the next red blooded american, but we didn't wanna break it to her that every other "spooky chick" on instagram does the same thing.  What do we know however, as she has well over 30,000 followers to our 12.  She obviously has it all locked down.

Slipknot Announces New Line of Whiskey to Stay Relevant; Goth Moms that Don't Drink are Excited For It

 

     Slipknot is a nu-metal band that came to fame in 1999 with the release of their self-titled album Slipknot in case you didn't know their name.  The band would go on to become one of the biggest metal acts of the 2000s along with bands Korn, Limp Bizkit, and Marilyn Manson.  Like the other bands, Slipknot has faded in popularity but still have a strong fan base.  Yesterday the band announced a new line of whiskey in hopes of winning back some of the fans they've lost.  "It was a business move we have discussed for years and decided it was time to finally do it" said the Slipknot dude that is also in the band Stone Sour that is loved by soccer moms and guys that also listen to Aaron Lewis' solo albums.  "We noticed our crowds are getting smaller and smaller so we thought it would make sense to get them good and drunk with our own brand of whiskey.  They would tell friends and those friends would tell their friends.  Before long people will want to see us live again because who doesn't want free shots and metal?"

 

     Tammy Wiseau of Michigan is one of the few remaining Slipknot fans that is excited for this news.  "I was in college when I first heard Slipknot live.  It was such a fun show.  I don't remember a lot about it because I kept doing shots at the bar but I remember having a lot of fun.  I don't drink too much anymore.  I don't want to be that person anymore especially after having two children that now depend on me but that doesn't mean that when they get older I can't open the bottle and reminisce about how fun it was to be drunk at a Slipknot show."

 

     Instagram model graveflower666 is also a goth mom and fan of Slipknot.  "I love Slipknot but since I had Edward and became a mother I can't really drink anymore while I'm breastfeeding.  And before you even ask, Yes I did name him after Edward from The Twilight Saga."

 

     The new whiskey, No. 9, will feature whiskey made from the finest corn Iowa has to offer that will be a "smooth drink for the maggots out there wanting to party in the pit." 



Horror Hipster Selling Some Stuff to Cover Rent After Paying $400 for a VHS Tape

 

 

     Horror Hipster Gregory Stalls is back in the news this week after he spread himself a little too thin last week.  Gregory is an avid horror fan that prefers to watch movies on VHS or Netflix using his friends account.  "I can't stand these new formats.  If a movie is only available on DVD or bluray I will record them on VHS before I watch them" Gregory told Horrorable News.  His love for VHS runs so deep that he has let that obsession almost ruin his life.  "I'm about to be homeless if I can't sell some of my stuff to cover this month's rent.  I've been on the hunt for a rare VHS for months and finally found a copy on eBay for $400.  My friend Toby tried to stop me because the movie is a lot cheaper on DVD or blu but it's not the same, ya know. So I sank $400 and now my rent is due.  I'm already on thin ice with the landlord and this is the sixth or seventh time that I've missed rent because I bought VHS."

 

     Right now Gregory has several items posted to various horror groups on Facebook in hopes of making some quick cash to pay rent.  "I posted a few doubles I had on VHS and beta in a few groups but I don't have any bites.  I figured when I posted with PM me for prices that I would be flooded with messages but no luck."

 

     We expect Gregory to host another crowd funding campaign to cover rent in the next few days.  Stay tuned for that if you want to help out this horror hipster.   

Horror Satire Site Trying Too Hard to Be "The Hard Times of Horror"

     There is a new horror site that has not been making fives to tens of people laugh with their horror related satire that is now under fire for trying too hard to be the horror version of The Hard Times.  The site in question is Horrorable News.  Their articles "Horror Edgelord Comments Yawn," "Man is Still Waiting for His Vinegar Syndrome Order," and many more have been shared two or three times in various horror groups.  While many find these articles humorous and in good fun, there is a few that can't stop auto-fellationing long enough to laugh at themselves.  Horrorable News was able to speak with Horrorable News founder Mark Brewster who said "HN was my way of making fun of myself and the horror community in general.  Horror and exploitation are my real passion but the community as a whole is pretty toxic.  Fans of the genre are rather cutthroat and often turn on other fans instead of befriending those with similar interests.  With HN I wanted to make fun of the shit talkers, the pop horror fans, the toxic commenters, the abusive horror group admins that smell their own farts, along with the other horror news that people honestly just don't care about." 

 

     Horrorable News' humor doesn't always find it's mark.  Some of the people that are the basis for these articles usually don't find them funny.  Roger Waltrip of the horror group Horror Maniacs and Erotic Affixation is one of those people.  "This site is trying too hard to be The Hard Times of horror"  Roger told Horrorable News.  "The articles are not real or anything that is considered news.  Just yesterday these jack offs said that Sarah Huckabee was going to be in a porn.  Like that would ever happen!"  Mary Bethers of the group Horror Collectors and Titty Twisters said "Horrorable News is a fake news site that is just using click bait articles to trick people into viewing their poorly written trash."

 

     Horrorable News, unlike the fake news site Horrorable News, would like to go on record and state that we would never stoop so low as to use funny headlines just for views.  We always report real news and we ALWAYS return our shopping carts to the cart corrals because we are not lazy pieces of shit.