President Trump Seeks To Ban The Production of New Horror Movies, Calling Them a 'Drain on America's Youth'

Washington, D.C. -

President Donald Trump signed a new order late Saturday evening that would essentially ban the production of new horror films, whether by Hollywood filmmakers and studios, or by smaller, independent companies and individuals.

Calling horror films a "total drain on America's youth," Trump stated in a press conference that most horror movies are filled with gratuitous sex, violence, and obscene materials, and that was little need for that kind of conduct in the world of media and entertainment.

"While horror movies were, at one time, a staple of a generation, they have since become meaningless, raunchy, and far too disturbing," said President Trump in a prepared statement. "Making the production of horror films illegal is step one in my huge, huge plan to overhaul the media content our children have access to, and I believe it's one of the biggest steps."

The President went on to say that he does, over time, plan to retroactively eliminate all horror films that have ever been made available, including those that never made it past their original VHS release.

"We've procured some big magnets from the great, great manufacturers in China," said Trump. "We're going to gather up all the old VHS tapes, all the Texas Friday The 13ths and all the Child's Things and the Nightmare on Maple Streets, and run the big magnet over them, and erase them all. New movies on the discs will just be thrown into a chipper."

Trump said he is pulling back focus on the border wall to engage fully with the extermination of horror movies in the United States.

Horror Filmmaker Launches Kickstarter Campaign For Movie He Just Made Up 10 Minutes Ago

Montreal, Quebec, Canada -

A filmmaker from Montreal says he is "super pumped" to unveil his next project on Kickstarter, a new horror film he literally just came up with only 10 minutes ago, but promises will be "super awesome" when it's done.

"Earlier tonight I was taking a shit, and it came to me out of nowhere," says filmmaker Brian Quarterson. "I am going to make a horror movie set in a funhouse or maybe like, an amusement park or something, and there's a killer, and he's stalking everyone, and you're not quite sure why, but it really doesn't matter, because the deaths are going to be super fucking sick, guys, and you'll love it."

The Kickstarter for the as-yet-untitled project was launched only a few moments ago, and Quarterson says he only needs roughly $25,000 to get his project off the ground.

"Some of that budget is for things like lights and equipment and actors and stuff, but a huge chunk of it is going to be for the BLOOD and GORE FX that we're going to need," said Quarterson. "This movie is going to be so sick. I think what I'm going to do actually is make this a whole series of movies, actually, so instead of one movie you can help me fund, I'll make it two movies. No, wait. THREE movies! Yeah, this idea is so good I can get three movies out of it, for sure! Plus you'll be able to get special packaging and special editions and all sorts of extras. Oh man, this keeps getting better and better!"

Quarterson wanted Horrorable News readers to know that you can donate as little as $10, which will earn you a "social media shout out," or you can donate $150 and get a BD-R of the finished movies when they're done, with an estimated shipping date of October 2025. For big spenders, he does have an $8,000 campaign perk, which will get you an Associate Producer title on IMDb and a "special thanks" in the end credits of the second movie.

Stephen King Shills Another Upcoming Generic Horror Movie, Calling It 'Truly Terrifying' and 'The Scariest Movie Ever Made'

Bangor, Maine -

Prolific horror author Stephen King posted to his Twitter early yesterday, calling some generic horror movie that comes out this fall "truly terrifying."

"I watched a movie last night, it's the scariest movie of all time," said King in the Tweet. "It's so absolutely terrifying that I literally shit myself in fear, and couldn't even move to clean myself up for a solid 30 minutes after the credits rolled. You've never seen anything like this!"

King, who has sold more books in his career than Jesus Christ has sold Bibles, is known for hyping up any horror film that comes down the pike, but is especially fond of hyping projects related to his own stories, recently saying about Pet Sematary (2019) "This is scary. Be warned." That naturally turned out to be a lie, when Pet Sematary bombed hard with audiences, because it was a ruined shitfest of epic proportions.

"I love King's books, the guy can definitely write," said horror fan Ariel Johnson. "At this point, though, I don't bother listening to his reviews. He hasn't hated a movie since The Shining. Seriously, can every single horror movie really be the scariest of all time? Stephen King certainly thinks so."

King did not mention in his most recent tweets exactly what movie he watched, but in all honesty, it likely could be applied to any horror movie you've seen a trailer for in the last 3 months.

When Horrorable News reached out to King for comment, he reminded us to watch Nos4atu on AMC, a show based on the novel of the same name written by his son Joe Hill. "It's absolutely terrifying as hell!" said King. "Scariest TV show of all time, seriously!"

Old Man Looking For Porn Stash on Grandson's Computer Pissed To Only Find Horror Movies

Miami, Florida -

Albert Francis, 80, said he was "extremely disturbed" and "more than a little pissed" to discover that his grandson, Tim Francis, 19, didn't store any porn on his computer, and that all he had saved were horror movies.

"Damnit, I thought that all kids today had tons of porn on their laptops," said the elder Francis. "I lived through I don't know how many damn wars, the death of two wives, and all I wanted was a quick tugger, and couldn't find a gaul-damn thing on Tim's computer to watch. All he had was nasty horror movies. But not that good nasty, like I like. The real nasty, you know? Decapitations! I saw a man get his head cut off! There's something wrong with that boy, absolutely."

Tim, who was visiting a friend at the time of his grandfather's file searching, said he wasn't upset his grandfather was using his computer for porn, he was just kind of confused we he thought there might be some saved.

"I haven't had a porn file saved since I was like nine or something," said young Tim. "Jesus, doesn't granddad know about the internet? I stream my porn like a normal guy. I will say, though, I'm a bit upset he deleted all my downloaded episodes of Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs. It took me hours to find all those."

Albert says he wants to get Tim help, because he's convinced that the young Francis masturbates to the horror movies, but Tim said he's not worried.

"Gramps is headed back to the Home at the end of the weekend, so I think I'll just bring him back a day early and get him a subscription to PornHub."

Guy Who Bashes Every Modern Horror Film Reluctantly Admits That 'Midsommar' Looks Like It Might Be Okay

Franklin County, Missouri -

Tony Wilson, 32, is known amongst his group of friends as "that horror movie guy," but as Wilson will have you know, he "only watches movies made before 1994," and that "all modern horror movies are absolute shit."

Wilson, who was not even alive during the late 70s, claims that no horror movies have ever been as good as that time period, but does admit that Midsommar looks like it might be "okay."

"Hereditary was a total suckfest, so when I heard the director was making another movie and it was going to be set in like, Sweden or some shit, and set in the daytime, I immediately checked out," said Wilson while wearing a Texas Chainsaw Massacre t-shirt. "When I watched the trailer, my eyes rolled out of the back of my head, but I have to admit, it could be okay, I guess."

In checking Wilson's Letterboxd ratings of recent horror movies, he gave mega-hits and critical darlings such as The Witch and Jordan Peele's Us 1 star each, but did give Peele's first film, the Oscar winning Get Out, a 2 1/2 stars.

"That one was okay, too," Wilson admitted. "But mostly, it was shit. Everything has been shit since Wes Craven defecated all over the horror scene and made Scream. Ugh. Shit. Total shit. Can you believe the same guy made The Last House on the Left? It's a shame man, shit."

Horror Fan Upset His Latest Torture Porn Film Purchase Wasn't 'Torturous or Pornographic Enough'

Tallahassee, Florida - 

Tallahassee native and self-proclaimed "horror fanatic" Adrian Rogers took to social media this afternoon after his latest film purchase, an indie horror film known as Slit My Dick, Suck My Fuck, failed to live up to his expectations.

"I bought this movie because I thought by the title that this was going to be a 'torture porn' film, and I really was expecting there to be plenty of both - lots of torture, tons of porn" said Rogers in a lengthy Facebook post. "There was very little of either in the movie! There was literally only one scene with a topless girl in it. What the fuck?!"

When Horrorable News reached out to the filmmaker behind the film, Darren Mitchell, for comment, he said that his film was extremely violent and had plenty of nudity, but that it was a plot-driven horror film, and was not simply "gore for gore's sake."

"My movie literally has the term 'slit my dick' in the title, and we certainly show that happening," said Mitchell, a first-time filmmaker. "So yeah, it's pretty torturous. As for the pornography - well, we have the aforementioned penis, and there's some topless women. But whatever, is that all people watch movies for? What about the subtle nuances I included, and the nods to Lynch, Hitchcock, and even Argento? Yeah, I'm sure nobody noticed that, did they?"

Rogers' Facebook post was later made into a sales post, and he has put up his BD-R copy of Slit My Dick, Suck My Fuck for $11 with free shipping, Paypal friends and family payment only.

Unearthed Films Announces Plans to Revamp as Children's Film Distributor

Los Angeles, California - 

Unearthed Films, who have for years been known as one of the most extreme labels for underground horror and Japanese gore films, announced earlier today that the company was going to be undergoing a "huge revamp" starting in 2020, with plans to become a distributor of children's films and family movies.

"Frankly, the horror market just isn't what it used to be in my day," said company CEO Stephen Biro. "These kids today, all they're interested in is whether or not the 14th release of Green Inferno is going to come with a damn slipcover. They're not concerning themselves with extreme films, gore, or Japanese fare at all."

In the company's press release, Biro mentioned that while sales had remained strong, and in fact had grown in recent months after the implementation of new arms of the company, such as Unearthed Classics and Too Extreme For Mainstream, that he felt there were new directions he wanted to go.

"It's not about the money. It's certainly never been about the money, it's always been about my love of film, and that's not changing," said Biro. "All that's changing is the kind of films I'm going to be sharing my love of with the world. We've already met with many independent companies that release family films, and we're super excited for our release of A Serbian Film, which was originally going to be several minutes longer than the current version, but instead will be fully cut to be appropriate for everyone. We'll also be adding an animated segment that the kids will love!"

Reaction to the announcement has been mostly negative, with one horror fan summing up the new venture as "total fucking bullshit."

Curiously, when questioned about a company name change, Biro said they would still keep the Unearthed name. "Yeah, we can't come up with anything better, so it's sticking," said Biro. "But we're totally open to suggestions."