Texas Man Has 5 Months to Prepare His "Die Hard is a Christmas Movie" Argument

 

 

     Texas born Richard Clyburn is a product of the late 70s and cut his teeth on action and horror movies of the 80s.  Every Christmas season Richard glues himself to his Samsung Galaxy S9 and waits patiently for friends of his on Facebook to mention Christmas movies.  It's then that he pounces.  Armed with only his index finger and the grammar of a sixth grader from rural North Carolina, Richard sets out to do the lords work.  "People forget that Die Hard IS a Christmas movie and from Thanksgiving to Christmas it's my job to tell them that" Richard told Horrorable News.  "When people ask their friends on Facebook what their favorite Christmas movie to watch during the season is I have to say "Die Hard is a Christmas movie."  It may not be my favorite Christmas movie but I it's my job to do it."

 

     Sadly, Richard is not the only one that waits for these type of statuses.  Others, like New Jersey's Mike Roland comments on similar posts because he finds it funny.  "It technically is a Christmas movie but I don't care for it.  It's kind of stupid if you really ask me.  Personally, I prefer the Hallmark Christmas movies."

 

     Christmas is just 5 months away and no one contests that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.  With that being said, just don't this Christmas season.  We ALL know it's a Christmas movie so just cut it out with the "Die Hard is a Christmas movie" bullshit.  

Soska Sisters Banned From Twitter; Crazy Ralph Still Can't Remember His Facebook Password

 

     Jen and Sylvia Soska, known collectively as the Soska Sisters, are Canadian born filmmakers known for their films American Mary, Dead Hooker in a Trunk, and See No Evil 2.  They made national headlines recently when they started promoting their upcoming remake of Rabid on Twitter and one of their images landed them in hot water with the social media giant.  "We shared a still from the film trying to stir up some buzz when Twitter banned our joint account" Jen told Horrorable News.  "If we were nude or posing topless with a product for an ad we would be fine but sharing art will get you in trouble with Twitter" Sylvia added. 

 

     The Soskas are not the only ones struggling with social media.  Crazy Ralph of Crystal Lake has been locked out of his Facebook page for 2 years now.  "I want to be able to join back up with my friends and warn them but Facebook changed my password without telling me.  I know my password but they refuse to take it" Crazy Ralph said.  "Facebook as a whole is a curse on mankind.  A death curse..."



Jason Blume Promises Next 2 Halloween Films WIll Not Suck; Maury Determined That Was a Lie

 

     Last week news spread that Jamie Lee Curtis was out of the new Halloween sequel and replaced with The Little Mermaid's Halle Bailey.  Now Jason Blume and his Blumehouse label has announced that the Halloween sequel will come in two parts.  Titled Halloween Kills and Halloween Ends, these two film once again follow Michael Myers as he terrorizes Haddonfield. 

 

     "This time we want to give fans a Halloween they will never forget.  We are throwing continuity out the window and going balls out for the fans.  Blood, boobs, and more blood will cover the screen" Blume told Horrorable News.  "I want horror fans to enjoy Halloween and only I can give them that movie!"

 

     We asked Blume to meet with us so we could prove that he was telling the truth.  He agreed so we met with television host Maury Povich who is known for using DNA and lie detector tests to determine fraud and paternity on show.  We then asked Blume several questions.  The results were shocking.

 

     "It was obvious during the interview that Jason Blume was only releasing the film to capitalize on the fan base" Maury told Horrorable News.  "Every question that was asked that focused on what the fans wanted came back negative.  When we asked monetary questions they would come back positive and that showed this was only a cash cow for Blumehouse.  We did uncover that he plans on giving the viewers the same story from the first film, Rob Zombie's remake, and the reboot from last year with Halloween Kills followed by that same story yet again in Halloween Ends.  If those do well at the box office and home video Blumehouse will release Halloween Night and Halloween Candy yet again with the same story."

 

     



Man That Only Eats Fried Chicken and Doritos is Pissed Over Fright Rags Selling Plus Size Shirts for Additional Charge

 

    Many Americans struggle with their weight but for Tennessee's Mike Rhodes his struggle comes at a price.  Mike has been overweight most of his life and, and like most horror fans, he likes to buy shirts, hoodies, and other apparel that represent his love of horror.  "I love horror shirts with shit like the tall man, Suspiria, and Day of the Dead on them" Mike told Horrorable News.  "I used to buy shirts from places like Rotten Cotton, Punkstuff, and others but they never have my size in stock anymore.  I started buying the high quality shirts from Fright Rags but in recent years they started charging an additional fee for bigger sizes.  Like I have that kind of money just laying around.  By the time I buy my breakfast from Chik-Fil-A, my lunch from Taco Bell, and have Papa John's deliver my dinner I'm usually tapped for cash!  It's so stupid.  Fright Rags needs to consider the amount of money people make in this fucking economy!"

 

     Horrorable News reached out to Fright Rags for a comment on why they are discriminating against their bigger fans by asking more money for a shirt.  Sure, it takes more fabric to cover their big asses but they didn't ask to be fat.  Burgers are cheaper than salads!  Fright Rags, we ask you to do the right thing and start charging more for smaller sizes.  The people that buy them are already saving money by eating less!

Pet Sematary (2019) Directors Cut Blu-Ray to feature lost Zelda dance routine

Looks like Paramount is going for the ole double dip again.

Hot on the heels of it's recent release of the Pet Sematary remake, the company, licking its wounds at the films poor box office performance, caved into the the public's demands and are giving them the full uncut director approved edition of the movie. This edition is complete with the highly publicized, and controversial exclusion of the famous scene in the book where the spooky character Zelda, everyone's favorite twisted demon lady, breaks into a very sensual dance routine.

Legendarily choreographed by Russian ballet dancer Mikhail Baryshnikov, it was spoke of by everyone in the cast to be the most moving dance routine ever danced in the history of dance.  Stephen King admitted "It's exactly how I imagined it when I originally wrote the book.  In fact, it's the only part of the book I remember writing.  That's how moving it was!!"

Only coming out in a double disc, ultimate steelbook, Blu-Ray/DVD/Digital Combo pack, the release is looking to retail at $75 with a limited run of 1500 copies.

"This is the ultimate in soul crushingly sensual horror" King told Horrorable News.

3 From Hell Releases New Trailer and Brave Man on Social Media Knows It Sucks Without Seeing It; Mother to Blame for Saying His Opinion Matters

 

     Rob Zombie is known  the world over for many reasons.  His musical career has spanned for over 30 years with a dozen albums and EPs with his band White Zombie before branching out as a solo artist and releasing 6 more.  With such a musical career like his one would expect him to have no free time but Rob Zombie has managed to work in 8 feature length films. 

 

     His most recent film, 3 From Hell, once again follows the Firefly family who he made famous in his films House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects.  Zombie released a teaser several weeks ago which left fans feeling underwhelmed.  Some took to Facebook to vent their frustration for the teaser and Zombie heard them.  Today he released a full trailer for the film and one brave horror fan stands firm with his stance.  "I know the movie will suck" Martin Berger told Horrorable News today.  "I've only watch one or two of Rob Zombie's movies so I know all the others suck hairy balls.  I've seen several people share the trailer on Facebook today so I've been very busy commenting about how bad this movie is.   I do get the smart ass response here and there about how I should wait to see the film before I make a comment on it but that's fucking stupid.  Zombie sucks and so does his movies!"

 

     Many social media users are confused by the response of Berger and hundreds like him that think what they have to say matters.  Scientists at SSU has concluded that most Facebook users just don't give a fuck what they think. 

 

     Regardless of where you stand on the new Rob Zombie film we can all agree that it has to be better than Halloween II. 

  

     



Little Mermaid Star Halle Bailey to Replace Jamie Lee Curtis in Third Halloween 2

 

     

     Blumehouse is all for milking franchises for every penny they are worth.  After announcing a reboot to Paranormal Activity they are moving forward with not one but two Halloween sequels that no one has asked for.  In a controversial last minute casting decision Blumehouse and director David Gordon Green has decided to replace legendary scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis with up and coming actress Halle Bailey who made a splash when she was cast as Ariel for Disney's The Little Mermaid.  "No one knew who she was last week and Disney made the announcement the internet has lost its fucking mind" Jason Blume told Horrorable News while ingesting a bag full of his own farts.  "This little lady is on fire and that's exactly what we need for this franchise that we keep poaching.  We need someone that can carry this series for another 20 years with at least one more reboot and Curtis just doesn't have that kind of longevity."

     Horrorable News asked Blume what Blumehouse planned on doing with the story in the upcoming film and he replied "continuity is out the window at this point.  Fans just want Michael Myers slashing his way through people.  I know this will hurt Curtis but she can speak with Josh Hartnett on how he had to deal with being cut from a legendary franchise."

     Right now there is rumors that Myers will be portrayed this time by iconic actor Samuel L. Jackson but that has yet to be confirmed. 

Overly Opinionated Middle-Aged Man Hates Lib-Tards, Stranger Things, and His Ex-Wife

 

     Ivan Raggly is a cable installer for CET Cable out of Florida.  He recently joined the ranks of millions when joined Facebook and this access has given him the chance to share his opinion on everything with his friends and family.  Sadly, Raggly doesn't know when to stop.  He has to share his opinion on everything which has lost him several friends since joining the social media giant in March. 

 

     "There is too many sheeple out here that are just too sensitive and wanting handouts" Raggly told Horrorable News.  "When I joined Facebook I saw all these people complaining about OUR president.  He's our president and we need to do as he says.  ICE is doing their job of keeping our children safe and out of the hands of MS13.  We have these lib-tards crying because they don't like our laws but in reality they are just too sensitive.  Then, everyone was ranting and raving about Stranger Things.  I set up at Netflix account and within the first few episodes I watched a group of kids help an illegal alien escape her camp.  Netflix is teaching our children to break the law!  While I have a second I also want to say something to my ex-wife.  Darcy, I know it's you that keeps taking my Trump 2020 and I Support ICE signs out of my yard.  The court said I can't be within 100 feet of you and that means you can't be within 100 feet of me.  Steal it again and I'll tell the kids how we used to let our old neighbor Floyd cuck me, you old whore."

 

     If you are friends with an older uncle, aunt, or friends of the family that have similar views it is best to use the "select friends" option on Facebook so these highly opinionated people can't see your post.  If they cant see it then they can't comment something slightly racist or demeaning for generations younger than them.  Remember, these people grew up thinking Clint Eastwood was attractive.  Yes, even the men secretly thought that as well.    So we shouldn't judge them for their bad taste. 

#Russiaforthewin



Overweight Man Spent Money on VIP Pass But Did Not Save Money for Deodorant; Major Cause of Con Musk

 

     

     Horror is a way of life for fat horror fan Milton Stanley.  Stanley, a native of Virginia, has been attending horror cons for well over 10 years and always splurges for the VIP pass when he visits.  "I know it's pricey but you get a great deal with those passes" Stanley told Horrorable News.  "You get in an hour early to walk around.  The guests and vendors are still sitting up so you don't get to meet the celebrities or buy stuff beforehand but it's cool to walk around.  The biggest bummer is you still pay the same prices for photos with the celebrities but it's cool to have the lanyard showing you have the pass."

 

     Stanley is a working man who lives paycheck to paycheck so when he buys these passes he often breaks himself.  "yea, it taps me.  I usually just have enough money to get the autographs I want and gas money.  That's it.  Then I borrow some cash from mom until payday."  Because he budgets so tightly he often forgets to leave some money for toiletries and deodorants.  "I shower daily and always wash my clothes so a few hours without deodorant won't kill me.  I know it gets hot while standing in line but it's impossible for me to stink if I've taken a shower that morning."

 

     Horrorable News would like to remind horror fans that deodorant is cheap and should be applied several times a day to cover con musk.  Please be considerate of others. 

 

 

     

Midsommar Director Ari Aster to Remake Nothing But Trouble; Promises Not to Be As Funny As Hereditary

 

Director Ari Aster is making quite the name for himself among horror fans.   He recently directed the summer's surprise hit Midsommar after his 2018 hit Hereditary which is leaving several horror fans shocked.  Right now Aster could do no wrong and Blumehouse is optioning to have him direct a remake of the film made famous by Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd. 

 

     Blumehouse founder and producer Jason Blume stated that "Aster is the perfect candidate to reboot this underrated black comedy.  His humor is subtle but always finds it's audience that is why he is going to be perfect."  Horrorable News agrees about the humor in Aster's films and we award Aster with funniest death for his scene in Hereditary where Charlie is decapitated with the pole.  Classic slapstick at it's finest.

 

     "I don't want it to be too funny" Aster told Horrorable News.  "I want to keep the humor light like my previous films but make Nothing But Trouble darker and with more political sub-plots.  I want to make the junkyard twins Bobo and Lil Debbull like Trump and Hilary with the two always fighting over the same things while thinking it's different." 

 

Horrorable News is very excited to see this film.  Honestly, Hereditary is extremely overrated and almost unwatchable but we have to pretend to like it so those high on their own brand of farts wont bash us for "not getting it" on social media.  Anyway, keep up the lords work Ari Aster!



Special Effects Artist and Director Marcus Koch to Retire from Horror to Focus on Being A Pastry Chef

 

     Marcus Koch has carved his name into horror history over the course of his career.  He has directed the unforgettable films Rot, 100 Tears, and American Guinea Pig: Bloodshock, as well as, contributed special effects to the films Death-Scort Service, Her Name Was Torment 2, Song of Solomon, Death House and many more.  Marcus is an unstoppable force within the indie horror community and that is why his leaving is such a shock to horror fans.  "My heart just wasn't in it anymore" Marcus told Horrorable News.

 

     Marcus' career has spanned over 20 years but to him "it was never meant to be a permanent thing.  I just wanted to focus on the culinary arts but my friends were avid horror fans and would drag me along to do their films.  I was secretly taking classes to be a pastry chef and the things I was learning in these classes was actually making me a better at practical effects.  The better I got at cooking the better at practical effects I was getting which created a demand for my work.  More indie filmmakers were contacting me to work on their films.  One was feeding the other and pushing me further and further down the rabbit hole that I never wanted to be a part of to begin with.   I struggled with latex for the longest time but when I learned how to cut and shape fondant icing for cakes I was able to apply that technique to latex and soon I was building elaborate gags for the American Guinea Pig series for Stephen Biro."

 

     "I'm not entirely turning my back on horror" Marcus added.    "I still want to be active on film sets but the food services is where my true passion lies.  Now, if you can excuse me I need to finish the baklava for Felissa Rose."

Dark Force Entertainment Promises Tomorrow for Release of Dead Pit; Real Date Set for the Fall

 

     Dark Force Entertainment and Code Red has partnered to release the 1989 horror film The Dead Pit.  The original plan was to have a slipcover that would light up in similar fashion to the old Frankenhooker VHS.  When they failed to recreate what a VHS big box could do almost 30 years ago they decided to go a different route.  This time they planned a glow in the dark slipcover similar to the old Goosebumps folders and notebooks from the 90s.  Well, this turned into bigger than expected task when they tried to recreate technology that was used massively 20 years ago.

 

      The setbacks has caused Dark Force and Code Red to push the release back until tomorrow.  Tomorrow was first announced 6 or so days ago and that is still the general answer being thrown around social media.  Many codebreakers have concluded that this release is actually scheduled for October but Dark Force wants to keep the excitement up by claiming tomorrow for the release everyday until the actual release.

 

     Those that question Dark Force and their drunken banana mascot find themselves placed on "the list."  This has lead to speculations that Dark Force is actually the property of Chris Jericho who was known in the WWE for his list gimmick with many believing the person that is often in the videos looking like a Tripp Eisen impersonator is just there to throw viewers off. 

 

     If you are looking forward to the release of The Dead Pit please check back tomorrow for more news on it!

Horror Fan Turns Movie Collecting Hobby into Successful YouTube Career; Haters Forced to Buy Movies Like the Losers They Are

 

     YouTuber and movie reviewer Byron Miller has turned his passion for movie collecting into a successful YouTube channel.  Miller started showing off his movie collection six years ago on YouTube and over time he has slowly gained a substantial following.  His movie update and quick movie reviews has caught the eye of several film distribution companies who now send him product to feature on his channel.  "I never expected this to happen" Miller told Horrorable News.  "When I crossed 20k subscribers I started getting emails from companies that I've collected for years asking to showcase their newest releases.  I couldn't pass this up and now I get new releases every few days from several outstanding companies.  It does ruffle a few feathers among the movie groups but I don't lose any sleep over it."  Miller said while laughing.  "It's not like I'm going to cry myself to sleep knowing someone I don't know turned me into a meme because I get movies for free that they spend $20 and $30 a piece for."

 

     Miller's success has caused controversy among other collectors and movie snobs.  "It's so fucking stupid" said movie collector Chris Dryer.  "He shows the front and back of the movie and these companies give him this shit for free while I'm over here doing nothing with my time and bitching for free shit.  It makes absolutely no sense.  Hell, I could record a video, edit it, and then upload it but I don't want to invest that much time into it." 





Indie Horror Actress Loves Her Social Media Fans; Asks for Less Dick Pics

 

     Indie horror actress Marigold Gorebottom has made a name for herself over the last few years for her topless appearances in the indie horror productions Big Breasted Aliens from Uranus, The Double D Killer, Sorority Slasher Slashing Sorority Babes, and as an extra in Maid in Manhattan.  Because of her bare all approach to her roles she has earned a considerable following on her social media accounts.  "I love my fans" Marigold told Horrorable News.  "They are like my second family.  I spend hours every day interacting with them. They really do mean the world to me."

 

     All this fame has a price Marigold says.  "I do get a lot of dick pics.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a woman and I enjoy sex too but some of these things shouldn't be shared with the world. I may get one that makes me want a nibble out of 100.  The rest of odd shaped or discolored.  Like, why are they green, curved, and twisted to the side?  What are you doing to cause that and why would you share it with me? I would just like to ask fans to refrain from sending me all these dick pics.  If I want dick I'll go to Pornhub or watch the news."  



Florida Man Embarrassed for Answering "Jason" When Friend Asked Who Was Doing the Killing in Friday the 13th

      Brett Wimmer of Florida is in the news this week for his reckless abandonment when answering horror trivia.  It happened Monday 7/1 when Brett was with several of his friends.  They often gather together to watch horror movies, drink, and ask each other horror trivia. "It's a fun way to pass the time while watching movies" Brett told Horrorable News.  "We usually ask each other some real stumpers to show our horror dominance.  I can't believe I was caught off guard like that with something so simple."

     Horrorable News was able to speak with Brett's friend Ron who asked him the controversial question.  "I was drawing a blank and the question popped in my head so I just fired it off.  I was sure he would say Pamela but he didn't.  What a dumb fuck.  I mean, he's not wrong I guess if you say Friday the 13th part II or whatever.  I didn't say that so he's still a try hard poser!"

     Brett has since backed out of all horror groups after hard criticism and ridicule.  He has asked Horrorable News and other horror sites to send over thoughts and prayers for this troubling time. 

Scream Factory To Put Out Collector's Edition of Ryan Nicholson's Gutterballs 2: Balls Deep

LOS ANGELES, California -

Scream Factory, the company known for their Collector's Editions of horror and B-movies, announced today that they have secured the rights to Ryan Nicholson's Gutterballs 2, which was supposed to have come out years ago, but never did due to a mix of legal and other "unknown issues."

"We're excited to be able to put this out, and we have packed the disc with special features," said Scream Factory in their Facebook post. "The cover art is TBD, but will be coming from Devon Whitehead. The planned release date is October 3rd. We will have more information soon!"

Although many people who are casual fans of Nicholson's say they are excited to see the movie, there is still a huge controversy that was not resolved in the post from Scream Factory.

"I already dropped $200 on this movie during the campaign, and I didn't get shit," said angry fan Marc Dyer. "I am not going to fucking pay another cent for this movie, and I better get a free copy of the Scream version."

Nicholson allegedly took in nearly $20,000 in an online funding campaign for Gutterballs 2, but no product ever surfaced. That campaign ended in December of 2014. As of this writing, all contributors have just been patiently waiting, hoping for a glimmer of light at the end of a never-ending tunnel, but even with this announcement, the light has gotten dimmer.

Horrorable News reached out to Scream Factory about their reaction to fan backlash, but they said they "didn't know anything about it."

"If there are copies that are owed from a previous purchase, that has nothing to do with us," said Scream Factory. "They will have to take that up with Ryan Nicholson. We will not be handing out free copies to anyone from a prior purchase. That said, after Gutterballs 2 we do plan to release his entire back catalog, as well as some other never-before-released films. We're really stoked!"

"Man, this is total bullshit," said another frustrated campaign purchaser, Robert Thomas. "I threw down hundreds in anticipation of getting blu-rays of not just Gutterballs and Gutterballs 2, but also there was an announcement for Gutterballs 3! Fuck all of this shit."

Horrorable News also tried reaching out to Ryan Nicholson to find out more about his plans regarding getting copies of the movie to people who'd paid years ago, but he blocked us on social media.