Fall Creek, Wisconsin
Friday night, after a long week of grueling call center work, Stan Chadman kicked back on his couch and made a clear decision. With his girlfriend out of town for the weekend, there was no better time to take a stroll back down memory lane. With video stores almost completely gone in the post apocalyptic hell-scape that is Trump’s 2019 America, Stan closed all the blinds, fired up his Roku, and decided to peruse through his Amazon Prime membership to find the perfect horror movie. Not just any horror movie would do, however. This one had to be like the ones he’d fool his parents with back in 1996 when they’d ask him to pick the family movie for the weekend, it would be lousy with huge titties. “I miss the old days,” Stan told Horrorable News, “where I could walk to the back of the rental store and pick up some good spank material in plain site of fellow unsuspecting customers. Sure, they put them on the top shelf so the clerks would know, but most people didn’t have a clue. When I brought that copy of Witchcraft 5: Dance with the Devil to the clerk, we looked each other in the eye and knew I was in for some rude titties.” While Netflix had excised most of its lurid content years ago from it’s service, Amazon Prime had such a smorgasbord of titillating delights, that he almost couldn’t contain himself. What followed was a triple feature of movies where every last female lost their clothes and ran with melon heavy breasts through some random forest before the rubber monsters offed them unceremoniously. The next day, Jules, Stan’s girlfriend called him to check in and see how his night had been and he responded with only one word: GLORIOUS.
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